Weekly World News XXIV

A piece I wrote for Weekly World News in July 2005. Change a couple of dates and facts and it still works, four years later...

SINGING THE WOES OF UNEMPLOYMENT
The Moochers and the Paupers Rock Wall Street

© Weekly World News

NEW YORK, NY – Their once expensive suits have grown tattered, their designer shoes are scuffed and worn, but these five former businesspeople haven’t lost their taste for the good life...just their ability to pay for it.

They are The Moochers and the Paupers, a singing group made up of men and women who used to have it all until they lost everything but their voices to hard economic times.

“I was on top of the world,” said 42-year old Dennis Donnity, until 2004 a stockbroker for the prestigious New York firm of Dewey, Cheatham & Howe. “I was earning a couple a million a year, lived in a penthouse in Trump Towers, and was married to a gorgeous trophy wife. Then I lost my job, my home, my wife, and everything else.”

Now he sings for food in parks and on street corners.

They all have similar stories. “I was on the fast track to making partner in the legal firm of Lacey, Buttons, and Bowes,” recalls Michelle Phipps, 36. “But then the economy slowed up, the firm lost several major clients, and I was out on my can, canned.”

“A couple years ago, I was worth $17 million bucks,” sighed entrepreneur John Pilpop. “Now I eat out of supermarket dumpsters and have to sleep on the couches of friends and relatives.”

The five out-of-work financial workers met on the unemployment line the week after Thanksgiving, 2004. “We were all reaching the end of our unemployment benefits and started talking over day-old donuts salvaged from the Dunkin’ Donuts dumpster,” explained lead singer Melissa “Moocher” Elliot, a former financial analyst for Goldfinger & Sacks. “Dennis mentioned that he played the guitar and Michelle admitted that she could sing and shake a mean tambourine.

“Well, the next thing you know, we all broke out in song and passersby started dropping coins in my coffee cup...which was annoying since I wasn’t finished drinking it and at a buck sixty-nine a cup, well, you can understand.”

Ex-banker McGuinn McGuire was the first to suggest that they form a group. “We made almost 17 bucks in 10 minutes just goofing around. I was mooching my meals and a bed off my brother-in-law and couldn’t get arrested in the job market, so what did we have to lose?”

The Moochers and the Paupers started playing gigs on street corners in the Wall Street area. “It was kind’a embarrassing to be singing for spare change where my former co-workers could see me,” admitted ex-Wall Streeter Melissa Elliot. “On the other hand, seeing me must’ve made them realize they could be in my boat, so they started dropping tens and twenties into the hat.”

McGuinn McGuire began to write songs for the Moochers and the Paupers that reflected their economic plight, including “Unemployment Dreamin’,” with such lyrics as:

Oh, my job is gone ‘cause I was downsized today,
I went searchin’ through the want ads, and then began to pray.
No one wants to hire, if you ain’t minimum wage,
Man, I used to drive a Jaguar, now it’s bus fair I cadge.

Their most popular number is the haunting “Check Day, Check Day”:

Check day, check day, so good to see,
Check day, check day, how fast 26 weeks does flee,
Oh, unemployment, unemployment is not new to me,
Which makes check day a close friend indeed.

“We’ve started to attract quite a following,” John Pilpop said. “Some of our fans are even employed!”

“The group’s booked to play the 42nd Street subway station next month,” reveals Dennis Donnity. “We’re very excited.”

Michelle hopes success doesn’t spoil the Moochers and the Paupers sound. “Once you actually own your own bed and stop having to eat from dumpsters, it takes the edge off your art, you know?”

Weekly World News XXIII

A story I wrote for Weekly World News in June 2006. Back then, I kind'a thought I was kidding...

CHINA’S SECRET PLAN TO BUY U.S. BANKS!
Reds’ Economy in the Black While U.S. Dives Into Debt

© Weekly World News

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A secret report prepared by the Federal Reserve Bank has delivered the most stunning economic news since the Savings and Loan scandal of the 1980s...and perhaps the most devastating blow to the American economy since the Great Depression. According to the report, since 1998, the People’s Republic of China has been buying up U.S. banks at an alarming rate.

“If this tide is not stemmed,” the 463-page report warns, “the United States will lose its economic freedom and become, in effect, a subsidiary of the People’s Republic of China.”

Dr. Jeffrey Spicoli, professor of economics at Harvard University and a Weekly World News consultant, said that the report, leaked by a high ranking administrative official, details the twisted economic road that lead to this historic turn of events.

“Communist China has taken to capitalism like a duck to duck sauce,” said Dr. Spicoli. “It didn’t take them long to learn the power of the almighty dollar.”

“The Chinese leadership had been dedicated to the fall of capitalism for decades. But after the 1991 collapse of the Soviet Union, their most powerful communist ally and the development of a more fully integrated global economy, China was forced to take a harder look at their place in the world.”

Ralph Tungsten, a board member of the World Bank, points to the 1999 reacquisition of financially vital Hong Kong by China as the turning point in the Chinese economic philosophy. “All of a sudden,” he said, “they were in control of one of the strongest economies in the Pacific Rim and they saw it was good.”

“The Chinese were quick to take advantage of the weakening American economy after the 2000 elections,” the Federal Reserve report states. “With the U.S. deficit running to $375 billion in 2003, $477 billion in 2004, and an estimated $362 for 2005, the Beijing government saw an opportunity to quietly infiltrate and expand their influence on the world’s strongest economy.”

“A deficit results when the country spends more oney than it takes in through taxes and the collection of duties on foreign goods,” explained Dr. Spicoli.

To make up the difference between what is earned and what is spent, the government borrows money—to be repaid, with interest—from other nations. These countries, in turn, will often “sell” these debts to other countries.

“In 2001 alone, China bought over $326 billion dollars worth of U.S. debt and that amount has increased as much as 127% a year since,” reveals Mr. Tungsten. “And rather than invest their profits back into China, they have been using their newfound wealth to buy American banks.”

Beginning with such small institutions as the Utah Savings And Loan, the First Bank of Spokane (WA), Brooklyn Savings, and the Montana Guarantee Trust in 2002, the First National Bank of China and the Chinese People’s Reserve Bank of the Glorious Revolution has gone on to acquire larger and larger banks.

“China now owns over one hundred U.S. banks worth more than $17 trillion dollars,” said Dr. Spicoli. “That makes them a majority shareholder in America. If they decided to call in, or demand repayment of trillions of dollars in debt, the country would be unable to pay and would be forced to default on their loans, making Beijing, in essence, the new owners of America.”

“The national security implications of Chinese ownership of America’s financial institutions are staggering,” the Fed report said. “They can manipulate the economy to cause inflation, recessions, or even a full-blown depression. They can even hold American foreign policy hostage by threatening economic sanctions if we go off in directions they do not like or are against their own interests.”

“These are dark days for the U.S. economy,” warns Dr. Spicoli. “The implications of Chinese ownership of U.S. banks will be much more serious than bank customers receiving woks instead of toasters for opening new accounts. America, like many Americans, is suddenly only one missed payment away from bankruptcy and Chinese ownership!”

Weekly World News XXII

Another ditty from the late, lamented Weekly World News, written in September 2005, back when there was a lot of right wing fundamentalist talk about how all theories, like evolution and gravity, were called "theories" because they were still unproven. When one has the forum, one must respond.

CONGRESS TO REPEAL THE LAW OF GRAVITY

© Weekly World News

Washington, D.C. – One of the most divisive issues in America today remains the debate over the validity of scientific theory. From evolution versus intelligent design to global warming versus benign climatic change, political differences seem to have spilled over into the laboratory.

But the latest and most vocal debate seems to be over the concept of what has been, until recently, one of the bedrocks of science: gravity.

“This nonsense has been going on long enough,” declared the 700 Club’s Pat Robertson. “It’s about time someone planted their feet firmly on the ground and spoke out against this unproven, so-called ‘scientific theory.’”

Doctor Sam “Right” Winger, a professor of Religious Sciences at Bob Jones University, agrees. “Has anyone ever actually seen gravity? Of course not, because it doesn’t exist. Why, anybody who’s ever read the Bible knows that the Earth and everything on it was created in seven days, and nowhere is gravity mentioned. No, the reason we don’t float off the face of the planet is because the good Lord gave us this world and wants us to stay put.”

“Thanks to Dr. Winger’s clear and concise analysis of the situation, we feel confident this is the right thing to do,” said House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-Illinois) in an announcement with his Senate colleague, majority leader Bill Frist (R-Tennessee). “That’s why we’ve put forth joint resolution HR-666, repealing the so-called Law of Gravity.”

“Isaac Newton, who wasn’t even an American,” said an outraged Senator Frist, “perpetrated this hoax on the world based on having an apple fall on his head. It never occurred to this heretic, who also gave the world calculus—which, by the way, we’re going after next—that this was actually the Lord’s way of trying to smite him for his wrong-headed thoughts instead of proof of some asinine theory.”

White House spokesman Scott McClellan said, “The president has long believed that gravity should be a faith-based initiative instead of something mandated by law.”

“I’ve always believed gravity is the work of the good Lord. Back when I was in the Air National Guard,” the president quipped to reporters on his way to a two-week vacation at his Crawford, Texas ranch, “I used to pray He would keep me in the air every time I had to fly. Which wasn’t often.”

Responding to claims by the scientific community that gravity is a proven force of nature, Dr. Winger said, “It’s all right there in the Bible, in Genesis, verse 7: ‘And God made the firmament and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament; and it was so.’ Heaven up, firmament down, God’s will. I don’t know what else you need, but if it makes you feel any better, even NASA agrees with us.”

“Of course! It’s obvious,” agreed Todd T. Toddman, director of the National Anti-Scientific Association (NASA).

Representative Tom DeLay (R-Texas) said, “Look, I understand some people might not be comfortable with the religious aspect of this matter, so for them—though they’re going to Hell—let’s just say, if an American doesn't want to keep his feet on the ground, there shouldn't be a law that forces him to!”

Weekly World News XX

Here's a little ditty 'bout Bigfoot and Carol I wrote for Weekly World News in May 2005. I was playing with a "story" that had been dominating the news around the time of Jennifer Wilbanks, the "runaway bride" who claimed to have been abducted the day before her wedding...but wasn't. Alas, I broke poor Bigfoot's heart, all for the sake of a cheap laugh.

BIGFOOT’S RUNAWAY BRIDE: MRS. BIG-COLD-FEET

© Weekly World News

Menominee Falls, Wisconsin—Last Saturday was supposed to be Bigfoot’s wedding day. Guests had been arriving all week from as far away as Loch Ness, Scotland and the Himalaya Mountains in India. Instead, it turned out to be a day of fear and humiliation.

Because instead of getting married, Bigfoot awoke to find his fiancé, Carol J. Sasquatch missing and himself a suspect in her suspicious disappearance.

“Carol was very nervous about the wedding,” confided Ms. Sasquatch’s friend and bride’s maid, Shirley Loch Ness. “She decided to go out for a romp through the forest on Thursday night, taunt a few campers, dodge some video surveillance cameras...you know, relax. Well, when she didn’t come back by the next morning, we all started getting worried.”

Bigfoot immediately set out to search for her. “We checked all her usual haunts in the woods,” said a spokescreature for the concerned groom. “We couldn’t find anything. No partially consumed carcasses, no droppings. It was as if she had vanished from the face of the Earth.”

It was at that point that Sgt. Boyd Brayne of the Wisconsin State Police got involved in the hunt. “We’re always on the look-out for Bigfoot or Bigfoot-like creatures,” he said. “Hunting for giant furry monsters is pretty much an ongoing thing around these parts.”

“The police didn’t take this very seriously at first. I think they thought an elusive Sasquatch was nothing out of the ordinary,” bridesmaid Loch Ness said. “Once they learned about the wedding, that changed. But instead of searching for her, the first thing they did was haul Bigfoot in for questioning.”

Sgt. Brayne was unapologetic about the three-hour interrogation Bigfoot was subjected to. “Standard police procedure,” he claimed. “A bride-to-be goes missing, your first instinct’s to call it murder and start digging up the groom’s basement looking for a body. Especially when that groom happens to be a forest creature.”

The tale of the missing bride took a turn for the bizarre on Saturday morning when Bigfoot received a frantic phone call from his intended. “She said she had been abducted by a UFO on Thursday night and, after having all her body hair removed and undergoing two days of examination and probings, they had dropped her off at a cheap motel outside of Reno.”

With his best man, the Abominable Snowman, at his side, Bigfoot raced west to rescue his lady love.

“As soon as we got to Reno and saw what was going on,we realized that whole story had been a lie,” said Mr. Snowman.

Ms. Sasquatch was found at the Sneak-A-Peek Motel (Free Cable in Every Room), surrounded by several days worth of fast food wrappers and empty vodka bottles. Corporal Homer T. Dinkle of the Nevada State Police told Weekly World News, “Turns out she hadn’t been abducted by aliens after all. She’d taken a bus to Reno on her own. After undergoing full-body electrolysis in a nearby clinic, she auditioned at several casinos as a show girl, but no one was hiring.”

Confronted with evidence putting the lie to her story, Ms. Sasquatch broke down and tearfully confessed. “I got scared,” she sobbed. “All my life I’ve dreamed of being a glamorous show girl, but once I got married, that dream would be dead. I had to at least try, just once. Can’t anyone understand that?”

By now, the media had gotten hold of the story and had dubbed the runaway bride “Mrs. Big-Cold-Feet.”

“After her call home about the alien abduction, we put out an A.P.B. on UFOs. We wound up hassling several innocent E.T.s based on her false report,” grumbled Corporal Dinkle.

In the end, Ms. Sasquatch accompanied Bigfoot home. “I still love him,” she claimed.

“Bigfoot still wants to marry her,” the Bigfoot family spokescreature affirmed at a press conference late Saturday afternoon. “He still loves her and thinks she’s a great gal, just a little confused, that’s all.”

Abominable Snowman is not so sure this marriage will happen now. “I mean, talk about starting off their new life together on the wrong big foot,” he said.

Weekly World News XVIII

A piece I wrote for Weekly World News in September 2005:

CONGRESS TO REPEAL THE LAW OF GRAVITY

© Weekly World News

Washington, D.C. – One of the most divisive issues in America today remains the debate over the validity of scientific theory. From evolution versus intelligent design to global warming versus benign climatic change, political differences seem to have spilled over into the laboratory.

But the latest and most vocal debate seems to be over the concept of what has been, until recently, one of the bedrocks of science: gravity.

“This nonsense has been going on long enough,” declared the 700 Club’s Pat Robertson. “It’s about time someone planted their feet firmly on the ground and spoke out against this unproven, so-called ‘scientific theory.’”

Doctor Sam “Right” Winger, a professor of Religious Sciences at Bob Jones University, agrees. “Has anyone ever actually seen gravity? Of course not, because it doesn’t exist. Why, anybody who’s ever read the Bible knows that the Earth and everything on it was created in seven days, and nowhere is gravity mentioned. No, the reason we don’t float off the face of the planet is because the good Lord gave us this world and wants us to stay put.”

“Thanks to Dr. Winger’s clear and concise analysis of the situation, we feel confident this is the right thing to do,” said House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-Illinois) in an announcement with his Senate colleague, majority leader Bill Frist (R-Tennessee). “That’s why we’ve put forth joint resolution HR-666, repealing the so-called Law of Gravity.”

“Isaac Newton, who wasn’t even an American,” said an outraged Senator Frist, “perpetrated this hoax on the world based on having an apple fall on his head. It never occurred to this heretic, who also gave the world calculus—which, by the way, we’re going after next—that this was actually the Lord’s way of trying to smite him for his wrong-headed thoughts instead of proof of some asinine theory.”

White House spokesman Scott McClellan said, “The president has long believed that gravity should be a faith-based initiative instead of something mandated by law.”

“I’ve always believed gravity is the work of the good Lord. Back when I was in the Air National Guard,” the president quipped to reporters on his way to a two-week vacation at his Crawford, Texas ranch, “I used to pray He would keep me in the air every time I had to fly. Which wasn’t often.”

Responding to claims by the scientific community that gravity is a proven force of nature, Dr. Winger said, “It’s all right there in the Bible, in Genesis, verse 7: ‘And God made the firmament and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament; and it was so.’ Heaven up, firmament down, God’s will. I don’t know what else you need, but if it makes you feel any better, even NASA agrees with us.”

“Of course! It’s obvious,” agreed Todd T. Toddman, director of the National Anti-Scientific Association (NASA).

Representative Tom DeLay (R-Texas) said, “Look, I understand some people might not be comfortable with the religious aspect of this matter, so for them—though they’re going to hell—let’s just say, if an American doesn't want to keep his feet on the ground, there shouldn't be a law that forces him to!”

Weekly World News XVII

Another from the archives of the late, lamented Weekly World News. I wrote this one back in October 2005, but it's as fresh today as it was back then. That's all supposed to change soon, right?

BIG RATINGS FOR THE HOME LOBBYING NETWORK

© Weekly World News

Washington, D.C. – When you want to buy the latest line of Joan Rivers jewelry or the complete Heroes of NASCAR Autographed Collectible Card Set from the comfort of your Barcalounger, you tune in to one of many home shopping networks.

When you want to watch the behind-the-scenes minutia of the democratic process, you flip over to C-PANT (Cable Public Affair Network Television).

When you want to buy political influence, you turn to one of the many political lobbying groups in Washington, D.C.

But what about those who want to buy political influence from the comfort of their own Barcalounger?

Those are the ones who should check their local listings for the merger of these two cable-TV staples into PS-PANT (Political Shopping Public Affairs Network Television).

Cable TV mogul Hubert Morlock announced PS-PANT at a press conference held in the Capitol rotunda. “I became an American citizen as much for my love of democracy as for tax purposes,” the Australian born Morlock told reporters. “PS-PANT makes paid political influence available right on your TV and gives everyone access to affordable democracy.”

PS-PANT will continue to air its usual fare of Senate and House sessions, speeches, and call-in talk shows...but in a box inset in the lower right hand corner of the screen. The rest of the screen will show the new political influence sales programming.

“Don’t get the wrong idea,” said programming director Brian “Red” DuMont. “PS-PANT will sell a lot of different stuff. Collectibles. Memorabilia. Political art. And, yes, political influence.”

Hugh Smiley is host of Influence Peddlers, the nightly four-hour prime-time program featuring genuine Washington lobbyists offering their services for sale to the home viewer.

“It works just like any other home shopping channel,” Mr. Smiley said. “We present the product—in this case, the lobbyists who know who to go to in order to get things done in Washington—and you call in to buy it.

“For example, you might have a problem with, say, the high price of milk. So you’d call in when we have on a dairy industry lobbyist and hire him to lobby on your behalf to get higher subsidies for dairy farmers, thus keeping down the cost of milk.

“However, if you’re against increased subsidies, we’ll also feature lobbyists you can hire to work against them. We’ll have lobbyists on for every budget and political belief, as well as special local programming to help you buy influence in your area.”

Influence Peddling is just one of three daily four-hour political influence shopping shows on PS-PANT. “As much as we’re about political influence peddling for the masses, we haven’t forgotten the heavy rollers,” chuckled Mr. Smiley. “Every night at midnight, we bring out the big guns. I’m talking big oil, big steel, the high-end tech companies, pharmaceuticals and the like. You’re gonna need your gold card to buy into this club, my friend.”

“We’re revolutionizing politics and TV,” Hubert Morlock said when he announced PS-PANT to the nation. “It’s our hope that before too long, you won’t be able to tell the difference between the two.”

Weekly World News XVI

Here’s a quartet of Weekly World News shorts I wrote for the paper in 2007. The first article is previously unpublished.

Breaking News: CRIME DOES PAY ... FABULOUSLY!

© Paul Kupperberg

CANNES, France – Interpol today announced the first in a series of arrests across Europe that will, according to Inspector Niles ‘Butch’ Bottomswale, “break the back of one of the world’s cruelest crime syndicates.

“After a six-year long investigation by Interpol and the police of eight nations,” the British-born Inspector Bottomswale announced, “we have begun to make arrests and tighten the net around the big fish at the top of the Gay Mafia.”

Arrested at Cannes was alleged le grande dame d’crime Andre ‘Coteur’ LeBustier, his trusted lieutenant and stylist, Toulouse ‘Le Pantalon’ Pantalon, and consigliore Dexter ‘Four-Eyes’ Kugelman, along with a dozen lesser figures.

“These brutes have their fingers in everything,” Inspector Bottomswale told Weekly World News. “Fashion, art, music, dance, haute cuisine, you name it, these deuced-dandies take a hefty share of the pie, driving up prices everywhere.

“Believe me, it’s their corruption that’s behind the $100-plus Broadway theater ticket and $18 compact disc!”

"Monsieur LeBustier is a businessman, nothing more or less,” insists Nigel Snigglesworth, attorney for LeBustier. “He is being persecuted for possessing impeccable taste! This outrage will not stand!”

But Interpol believes it has a solid case against LeBustier and the others. “We have witnesses to all their outrages, including one hundred and seventy-two counts of ‘aggravated fashion critiquing,’ seventeen of ‘felony furniture rearrangement,’ and we’re still coming up daily with new cases of ‘drive-by makeovers.’”

Perhaps the most damning witness for the prosecution is Serge ‘Frosted Tips’ Rinsesocovitch, one-time enforcer for the Gay Mafia. “Cement shoes are so last century,” the self-esteem-killing hit man told authorities. “They clash with practically everything.

“And why kill your rivals when it’s much more painful to ostracize and mercilessly mock them until they wish they were dead.”

“Our Nana is Patient Zero!” Boy Cries: SENIORS STRUCK BY MYSTERY AILMENT!

© Weekly World News

ATLANTA, Ga. – An epidemic in retirement communities and nursing homes around the country had the National Institute for Disease Control concerned.

“We saw the first cases in the residents of La Boca Vista Retirement Village in Florida,” said the NIDC’s Dr. Shiela Purvis. “The outbreak struck during the shuffleboard season, when seniors were constantly moving between communities for tournaments.”

The disease caused a mysterious reaction that made anyone near the sufferer run away screaming. By the end of the first week, cases began popping up in Arizona, New Mexico, Skokie, Illinois, and Long Island, New York.

“It took a month of round the clock effort to finally isolate the infectious agent,” Dr. Purvis told Weekly World News. “What we discovered is it’s a virus that mutated from one that usually affects children only. The first senior to contract the disease, our ‘Patient Zero,’ was an eighty-year-old grandmother who had recently been visited by her family from New York.

“We tested the family and found that just prior to the visit, her eleven-year old grandson, had been suffering from a severe case of cooteonerdomitis -- more commonly known as ‘the cooties.’

“Usually, when adolescents hit puberty the increase in hormones eradicates the cooteovirus from their systems. We believe the mutated cooteovirus, dubbed codgervirus, is able to take advantage of the decreased hormone levels in the elderly to gain hold and cause infection.

“Fortunately, we’ve developed a vaccine to stop the spread of codgervirus,” Dr. Purvis added.

In an unrelated story, the NIDC has identified a chronic problem among post-menopausal seniors.

“Their fuzzy cheeks are actually a form of acne,” she said. “We are presently looking for a way to treat these ‘knitz.’”

BELLYBUTTON RING TONES

© Weekly World News

SAN DIEGO, Calif. – The beeping, chirping, and musical notes of ringing cell phones have become a part of the background noise of everyday life. Now, however, a new company is adding electronic sounds to the mix with the introduction of Bellybutton RingTones.

“Everyone’s getting their bellybuttons pierced, but other than another place to hang cheap jewelry, so what?” said seventeen year-old Hedda Audi, inventor of the Bellybutton RingTones.

“I thought, shouldn’t these things do something? Wouldn’t it be cool if they could talk to one another? So I came up with this really tiny infra-red sensor. Actually, my dad did. I told him it was for a school project. Anyway, whenever one Bellybutton RingTone gets close to another, they both beep with any one of thousands of downloadable sounds or songs available at our website, UmbilicalChord.com.”

The RingTones were an instant sales success, much to the distress of her school principal. “I’ve had to ban the things,” said a harried Dr. Horace Bookman. “We had classrooms with dozens of those things going off all the same time. Very disruptive.”

“That ban is the best publicity we could’ve gotten,” Audi said as the theme from Aqua Teen Hunger Force played from her navel. “We’ve tripled sales since the ban and plan to expand our business. People pierce all sorts of places, so there’re millions of holes we can fill!”

JEWELRY FOR JESUS

© Weekly World News

JERUSALEM, Israel – The discovery twenty-seven years ago of six limestone bone boxes, or ossuaries, inscribed with the names ‘Jesus,’ ‘Joseph,’ ‘Mary,’ ‘Matthew,’ ‘Mary Magdalene,’ and ‘Judah Son of Jesus,’ have lead many biblical scholars to believe, after decades of study, that the Jesus family tomb has been discovered.

However, one overlooked artifact was a smaller carved cedar box with a hinged top that was dug up only a few yards from the Jesus family tomb. On its lid was carved the initial ‘J,’ and it held a single item: a wooden bracelet, hand-carved, and inscribed with four Aramaic characters.

“I’m amazed that no one ever bothered having the Aramaic letters translated before,” said Chaim DeBunco, chairman of the University of Lamden’s Biblical Studies department. “It would have solved this mystery years ago. This box belonged to, indeed may have been made, by Jesus himself. The bracelet confirms it: the letters translate to the initials ‘W.W.I.D.?’ which stands for What Would I Do?

“Who else would have owned a little bauble like that?”

Enough Already with the Jew-Jitsu Cover!

How about something from the inside, where it really counts?

Sit, read, enjoy. As always, click on an image to view it in a readable size. And, please, buy the book. There's 108 more pages just like these.

JEW-JITSU: THE HEBREW HANDS OF FURY

Jew-Jitsu © Paul Kupperberg
Photography © Michael Simses

Weekly World News XIII

A kind-of follow-up to an earlier story I wrote for Weekly World News, "Praise the Lord, Get Valuable Points" in July 2005. I'm not sure of the exact date, but I believe it was sometime in early 2007:

RestE-Z PASS UNVEILED

© Weekly World News

VATICAN CITY – In recent years, the Vatican has turned to novel marketing approaches to help boost church attendance, including issuing the ‘Indulgence Card,’ which, when swiped on collection plate readers, earns worshippers valuable points towards getting into heaven (“Praise the Lord, Get Valuable Points,” Weekly World News, September 5, 2005).

“We felt that was all well and good for those of our parishioners who still inhabited this mortal sphere,” said Bishop Doyle Dane. “But we wondered: what could the church offer those who have left us, to help ease their journey into the next world?”

The answer is the RestEZ-Pass, which is being field-tested in Chicago.

“We simply clip it to the clothing of the dearly departed,” said local funeral director Cal Dukesbury. “When it’s time to go in whichever direction the Almighty has determined for you, the RestE-Z Pass is activated.

“The deceased is whisked straight to his or her destiny on an express lane, bypassing limbo, purgatory, and long check-in lines at the Pearly Gates and Hell.”

Father Joseph Mario Spumdilini, pastor of the Windy City’s Our Lady of Perpetual Rationality, is hoping the test is a success.

“It’s a comfort to know that when you pass on you can do so with a pass on,” he said.

Weekly World News XII

Written in May, 2005:

STARTLING DISCOVERY: ROME WAS BUILT IN A DAY!

© Weekly World News

ROME, ITALY -- Here’s a warning to all those underachievers who fall back on the old claim that 'Rome wasn’t built in a day.'

"Turns out it was," says DeCry Institute archeologist Professor Rupert Valt.

The proof was found in an old earthen jar uncovered by construction workers digging a sewer line in the heart of the old city.

"When we opened the jar we found tablets carved with the plans and work schedule for the building of Rome," said Professor Valt. "Signed by Remus and Romulus themselves, the schedule called for 20,000 workers, soldiers and slaves to be on the construction site at 5 A.M. sharp. There was a timetable that had them working 24-hours straight during which time they were to build the entire city."

"This is a very exciting discovery," gushed historian Ima Borr of the Italy Community College. "According to legend, Rome was settled by the twin brothers in 753 B.C. on the Palatine Hill, one of the Seven Hills of Rome. This is not only the first actual record we have that they lived, but that they supervised the construction of the city."

The blueprints and work schedule were prepared by a Roman builder named Trumpicus, whose diary was also found in the jar.

"It’s a big jeroboam of a jug," Valt commented.

With winter fast approaching, Trumpicus proposed a bold plan to replace the smattering of tents and caves with a proper city consisting of dwellings and shops, roads and parks, temples and public spaces, arenas and theaters.

"Trumpicus was evidently quite full of himself," Ms. Boring remarked.

On the morning of October 20, 752 B.C., just a year after the founding -- "Remember, the BC years count backward," Boring added helpfully -- every man, woman and child in Rome set to work under Trumpicus’ direction. The burliest men cut white and azure marble in the quarries, the dust of which turned their collars blue. These stones were hauled to the hill by horses and raised by wooden cranes. Women directed the men, of course, while children provided food and drink.

"The work went relatively smoothly," Professor Valt noted. "There were some instances of workers not pulling their weight in which case Trumpicus would point to them and say ‘Tu exussum,’ which roughly translates from the Latin as ‘You’re fired.’ Although in this case, it apparently meant the workers were literally set on fire as an example to dawdlers."

With such strict discipline the building of Rome was actually finished in 23 hours and 49 minutes.

"Remus and Romulus rewarded Trumpicus with a palace," Volk said. "It was the first casino in Rome."

"When we heard this revelation you could have knocked us over with a feather," said Dr. Raoul Platitude, director of the Central Language Institute for Collecting Historic Evidence. "Here at C.L.I.C.H.E.. the saying, ‘Rome wasn’t built in a day’ has always been one of our bedrocks. We’ll have to change it, of course. We’re considering ‘Saskatchewan wasn’t built in a day,’ but we’d welcome any thoughts your readers might have."

Weekly World News X

A little something I wrote for the paper in July 2005:

THE GREATEST BAR MITZVAH EVER TOLD!

© Weekly World News

Nazareth, Israel–The subject matter of the text inscribed on several pieces of ancient parchment found in a millennia-old stone box buried in a yard in Nazareth was, at first, dismissed as nothing special. It wasn’t until an alert translator realized that this seemingly ordinary Aramaic text concerned no ordinary man.

“I couldn’t believe it,” said the awe-struck Ari Zakai, the University of Nazareth translator who made the historic discovery. “I realized I was holding in my hands nothing less than a copy of an invitation to the Bar mitzvah of Jesus.”

The Bar Mitzvah is the tradition religious ceremony celebrating the coming of age of a Jewish male, usually held around the time of a young man’s 13th birthday.

“Jesus—or Yeshua, which was His actual proper name in Hebrew, with Jesus being its rough Greek transliteration—was born in Nazareth about 6 B.C.E.,” explains Rabbi Zalman Schmotkin-Fisher, an authority on religious history and Weekly World News religion consultant. “Though there is little known concerning His early years, we always assumed that, like most Jews, Yeshua would have been have had a Bar mitzvah. Here, at last, we have proof positive.”

“The Bar mitzvah would have taken place, according to the modern calendar, in the year 7 A.D., which would translate to the year 3771 on the Hebrew calendar,” Rabbi Schmotkin-Fisher further explained. “Sometime in the Hebrew months of Kislev or Tevet, unless I miss my guess.”

Yeshua, or Jesus, of Nazareth grew up to be worshiped the world over as the son of God, the Messiah on whom an entire religion was based.

The small stone box was found by homeowner Chiam Plotnik while excavating for a swimming pool in his back yard in Nazareth, the birthplace of Jesus.

Mr. Plotnik said, “Around here, ancient artifacts are about as common as rocks, so I didn’t give it a second thought. Who knew this one was such a find?”

Among the several pieces of preserved parchment was a hand-written invitation inviting the recipient to “join the proud parents Miriam and Yosef (the Hebrew names of Mary and Joseph) in celebrating the Bar mitzvah of Yeshua ben Nazareth (or, Jesus of Nazareth).” Refreshments, it noted, would be served and entertainment provided by Acimah and His Seven Lyres.

“A particularly fascinating find was what appears to be a list of gifts presented the Bar mitzvah boy,” said Rabbi Schmotkin-Fisher. “In addition to sums of shekels, as the coin of the realm was then known, Yeshua received numerous other traditional gifts, including several Roman Savings Bonds of varying sums, a Star of David on a gold chain, a pocket sundial, at least 7 writing quills, and a brand-new carpentry set.”

Father Joseph Mario Spumdilini, an expert in ancient Aramaic writings asked to evaluate this archaeological find for Weekly World News, was particularly excited by one document in particular. “I’m calling this one ‘Jesus’ Thank You Note,’” he told Weekly World News.

“Roughly translated, it reads, ‘Dear Aunt Muskah, Thank you very much for the great carpentry set. I am looking forward to using it to build something very soon. Dad is also very excited, saying he hopes that maybe now I will follow him into the family business. Of course, that’s been the plan all along. Thank you.’ And it’s signed ‘Yeshua.’

“The historic value of having a document written in Jesus’ own hand...well, it’s beyond priceless. As are several fragments that contain what we assume are quotes from His Bar mitzvah speech, including what appear to be early versions of His later teachings, including ‘Don’t do stuff to people you don’t want them doing to you,’ ‘Maybe if we, you know, didn’t hate our enemies they wouldn’t have to be our enemies,’ and ‘If you let someone keep hitting you, they’ll probably get tired of it and eventually go away.’”

Father Spumdilini notes that it will require decades of study to understand how this find will impact Christianity.

Weekly World News IX

A story I wrote for the paper in July 2005:

PRAISE THE LORD, GET VALUABLE POINTS!

© Weekly World News

VATICAN CITY – What do the Catholic Church and your local supermarket have in common?

To combat falling church attendance, the new papacy has taken a cue from American supermarkets and drug stores by issuing the new Indulgence-Points Card to all church-goers.

“The concept is very simple,” Cardinal John Joseph “Dwayne” Reed told the Weekly World News. “Every time one of the flock attends a church service, they swipe their Indulgence-Points card through the card readers on the collection plate and receive valuable points good towards getting into heaven.”

The idea was first put forth during a special conclave with the newly elected Pope to discuss falling church attendance around the world.

“The numbers were starting to get embarrassing,” a monsignor who wished to remain anonymous told us. “Attendance has been falling by double digits every year. The faithful were draining away from services faster than altar wine at a Dublin parish house. We were desperate to staunch the flow.”

“The pontiff was behind the idea right from the start,” said Bishop Doyle Dane, the man of the clothe in charge of the Indulgence-Points program. “He just that day had gotten $5 back on his purchases at the drugstore, so he knew the value of a good idea.”

“It’s shaping up to be a boffo promotion,” Bishop Dane continued. “With over one billion churchgoers in the world, we’ve so far distributed almost 220 million cards that have racked up over 82 trillion indulgence-points in the first two months alone.”

“Heaven will be filled with a host of value conscious believers,” said Father Joseph Mario Spumdilini, pastor of Our Lady of Perpetual Rationality, one of the churches used to test market the Indulgence-Points Card. He was surprised at how effective the program was. “We issued them to the congregation and practically everyone has been using them since.”

The Indulgence-Points Card is named for a practice from the Middle Ages whereby the wealthy would pay the Church to do good works in their names rather than actually repent for their sins. “Of course, you don’t have to be wealthy to use the Card,” Cardinal Reed is quick to point out. “All you have to do is show up and swipe your card. Anyone, rich or poor can do it.”

“We expect to add special features as we go along,” said Bishop Dane. “Like extra points for attending special masses, confirmations and baptisms. And for every Christmas mass a cardholder attends, we’ll be giving out a $5 gift certificate to Toys ‘R’ Fun.” The bishop winked and smiled. “Cross-promotion, my friend. Gotta give the public value for their efforts, y’know.”

Weekly World News VIII

Here's a Weekly World News story I wrote in September 2005. After his speech last night at the Republican Convention, the line about Joe Lieberman not being able to run for President again remains deeply meaningful:

“EL PRESIDENTE” BUSH Plans for W’s Retirement Years...as President of Mexico

© Weekly World News

Washington, D.C.—All the experts agree that it’s never too early to begin planning for your retirement. And with the end of his second term a little more than three years away, President George W. Bush is no exception.

Most ex-presidents spend their post-White House years writing their memoirs and books on politics and policy (or, in the case of Gerald R. Ford, playing golf), living out their years as respected elder statesmen or dying shortly after leaving office.

A few ex-presidents have remained active in politics and the law, including sixth president John Quincy Adams (the only other child of a president to also be elected to the highest office in the land) who served for 18 years in the U.S. House of Representatives after his single term in office. Likewise, 27th president William Howard Taft, was appointed a justice of the Supreme Court after his term.

Weekly World News has learned that President Bush intends to follow the path of the second group by remaining in the political forum.

Just not in the United States.

Instead, a confidential source in the Bush White House has revealed, advisers have put together a plan that will allow the current U.S. president to run for the office of president of the Republic of Mexico after he leaves office in January of 2009.

“It’s not going to be easy,” the Weekly World News source admits. “According to Article 82 of the Mexican constitution, a candidate must be a ‘Mexican citizen by birth, in the full enjoyment of his rights,’ so right there we run into a problem, seeing as how the president was born in New Haven, Connecticut.”

“We thought about getting Mexico to change its constitution,” reveals Boyd Brayne, a constitutional attorney working with the Bush for Mexico 2010 campaign. “But that would have taken too long and cost more money than even the corporate oil lobby was willing to shell out to make this happen. So, instead we hit on the idea of making Connecticut a part of Mexico, retroactive to 1946, the year he was born, which would automatically make the president a Mexican citizen.”

The Bush-Mexico committee has encountered a surprising lack of resistance to their radical plan. The Republican controlled Congress has vowed to push this plan through both Houses. “And,” adds Senator majority leader Bill Frist of Tennessee with a twinkle in his eye, “we’re only one more Republican nomination to the Supreme Court away from guaranteeing the annexation of Connecticut to Mexico is ‘constitutional.’”

“All things considered, it’s not that big a deal,” said House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-Illinois) . “I mean, it’s a tiny little state. Only Delaware and Rhode Island are smaller. And then we can finally make Puerto Rico a state. That way we won’t have the extra hassle of having to change all the flags to 49 stars. Plus, it prevents Joe Lieberman from ever running for president again.”

Mexico Senator Manual Trepa, who is spearheading the Bush effort south of the border, said in an interview aboard his new $1.3 luxury yacht, “We in Mexico would welcome Connecticut into the confederacy of Mexican states. I understand it ranks numero uno in personal wealth. That should come in handy.”

When asked about his plans for a run for the Mexican presidency, President Bush would only say, “No commentario.”

Reports that Karl Rove and Dick Cheney have begun taking Spanish lessons have yet to be confirmed.

Weekly World News VI

Here’s a Weekly World News piece I wrote in September 2005. I’m a regular Nostradamus, ain’t I?

BYE-BYE, BUCKS, HELLO TARS

New Currency Issued on U.S.'s New Oil-Based Economy

© Weekly World News
DISNEY DOLLARS © Disney

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- According to a secret report leaked to Weekly World News, the U.S. Mint has been busy printing new bills like money was going out of style.

That’s because it is! At least, the money we knew.

"The president felt it was time to replace the old dollar with a new unit of currency," admitted Assistant Deputy Treasury Secretary Mindy Doe. "Look at our cash -- all those pictures of dead presidents, buildings and sayings most people don’t recognize. Is that the kind of thing to have on currency?

"And gold -- what’s that about? Except for jewelry and teeth, what do we actually do with it? Is that a substance on which to base an economy?"

According to the White House, the answer is no.

"Beginning in 2007, the familiar greenback, or dollar bill, is to be phased out and replaced by the newly created ‘tarback,’" said Doe. "Its value will be backed by the price of oil as we switch from a gold-based to petroleum-based economy."

"I personally think it’s a great idea," confided Representative Tom LeDay (R-Alaska). "One tarback will be worth the price of one barrel of oil. That should help take the sting out of the so-called ‘high cost of filling your gas tank.’

"First, of course, Americans will have to turn in their current currency," LeDay added. "It will cost at least eighty dollars to purchase one Tarbuck."

The new currency is the same size as the current bills, colored gray rather than green. The pictures of former American presidents will be replaced by images of gas pumps through history. The picture of the pyramid on the $1 bill is being changed to a Texas oil rig.

The government plans to eliminate coins altogether, since they will be practically worthless.

"That will also solve the problem of all those homeless people annoying us by rattling coffee cups filled with change," Doe added.

Weekly World News V

An article written in May 2005:

RABBITS SUE TO KEEP THEIR FEET ON THE GROUND...AND OFF KEYCHAINS!

© Weekly World News
Garbage Pail Kids © The Topps Cpmpany, Inc.

They are a familiar sight in animal shelters and pet shops across the nation: rabbit amputees, their limbs sacrificed by the millions every year in the name of good luck.

"Bad luck for their poor little missing hindquarters," sneered Harvey P. Dowd, an attorney representing Help Outlaw Paw Pruning Sadists, an organization devoted to ending the barbaric human practice of cutting off rabbit’s feet and carrying them for good luck. "The foot of the Leporidae -- which is the Latin name for rabbits -- has been used as a good luck charm since before 600 B.C. These trinkets grew from ancient superstitions about fertility and pacifism. But there is nothing peaceful about this grisly practice."

In criminal papers filed in U.S. District Court, H.O.P.P.S. seeks an injunction against the ‘foot fetish peddlers,’ as they call them. Not only does the suit claim ‘cruel and unusual punishment,’ it accuses the defendants of trafficking in stolen goods. H.O.P.P.S. has also filed a separate class action civil suit seeking monetary compensation for the many millions of victims of the powerful rabbits foot industry.

"This is an abuse of the legal system," said Dutch D’Argent, spokesperson for plush animal and trinket-industry giant Fun Fur All. "Owning a rabbit’s foot is part of the rite-of-passage in America. It's like your first jackknife or BB gun -- which, frankly, is one reason a kid needs a good luck charm.

"I mean, we're talking about rabbits," D’Argent went on. "People slaughter billions of animals every year for food. Heck, we take the rabbit’s feet but at least we leave the animals alive!"

Alive and at the center of an expensive health care crisis.

"It might be more merciful if D'Argent and his fellow sadists did just kill them," Dowd said bitterly. "Instead, they leave behind wounded, wretched ruins with nothing to look forward to but more bad hare days."

Dexter Palomino and his wife, Satin, run a rabbit rescue farm in Fresno, California. It’s located in a quiet, rustic setting on Bunny Lake.

"Most of our guests are victims of the good luck charm industry," Dexter said. "Our farm is crawling with bunny amputees. Well, not crawling. Most of them get around on those little carts with wheels. Unfortunately, our financial resources are stretched to the limit. There’s a waiting list of rabbits to get in."

"That’s why we’re also suing for funding," said Mr. Dowd. "The bill should be footed, so to speak, by the people who crippled these poor creatures in the first place."

The rabbits foot industry claims not to be worried by the lawsuit. "These rabbits don’t have a leg to stand on, legally and otherwise," said Mr. D’Argent.

"We’ll see about that," Dowd told us. "We’ll also see something else -- whether a few hundred thousand rabbit’s feet can actually bring a heartless businessman any luck."

Weekly World News IV

Written in March 2007, it ain’t political but it’s one I’m rather fond of. But I wanna tell you!!

DIGGING FOR COMEDY GOLD

© AMI

SHECKYVILLE, N.Y. – Nestled in the foothills of the Catskill Mountains in upstate New York, Sheckyville is a quiet little farming community. It is a place where people work hard, neighbors watch out for one another, and everybody knows where to find a good laugh.

“In the legendary Joke Mines of the Catskill Mountains, that’s where!” said Wally Baluzza.

Baluzza is Chief Dig Supervisor for the Ritz Gravel Company, the shell corporation that has long hidden the true treasures they mine.

“See, this is literally where comedy comes from! We dig it from the ground, do you dig it, daddio? See what I mean? Jokes everywhere!”

The revelation of the Joke Mines was made by investigative comedians Tell & Railer on their hard-hitting cable TV program Horse Pucky.

“The Joke Mine was discovered by Catskill Mountain hotel and resort owner Milton Ritz in 1914,” said the tall, aggressive Sylvania Railer. “One day, Ritz was drilling a new well when he hit something that made him laugh. Not water, but comedy nuggets! Ritz had found a vein of pure comedy that lead right into the mountain on his property.”

Ritz’s newly acquired sense of humor quickly made him a popular host, attracting clients, and making his marginal resort a success.

“Other hoteliers came to the region to sop up the overflow from Ritz’s place,” Wally Baluzza said. “Swearing the newcomers to secrecy, Ritz started selling the product of his mine to them.”

With the Joke Mine now exposed, does the company fear any problems?

“Are you joking?” said Baluzza, ironically. “Every wanna-be comedian, writer, and office cooler wit’s going to flock here. Since we now own all these hotels and resorts in the area, renting out rooms at inflated rates is the one thing here that’s nothing to laugh at!”

Weekly World News II

An article I wrote in April 2005:

GOP UNVEILS LIBERAL-SNIFFING DOGS

© AMI

Silver Springs, MD–The Republican Party is going to the dogs. And they’re proud of it! The GOP announced last week that scientists at the Newt Gingrich Institute, a conservative scientific think tank in suburban Maryland, has successfully trained dogs to sniff out liberals wherever they might hide.

“After years of research we discovered that liberals have a scent unique to their political persuasion,” said Conservative Psychologist Dr. Silo Barksley, D.V.M. “It's the most important political breakthrough since the wiretap.”

Republican political operative Roseanne ‘Ro’ Virginia Waid was one of the first conservatives to applaud the Gingrich Institute’s achievement.

“We’ve been needing something like 'The Checkers Project' for the longest time,” Waid said. “Ever since 2000, when we started staging Republican campaign events that were closed to anyone who didn’t agree with us, liberals have had this annoying habit of sneaking into our rallies and town meetings and asking questions our candidates either couldn’t or didn’t want to answer. Frankly, such unscripted spontaneity was making our guys look incompetent.”

“There's a problem with liberals that goes beyond their political ignorance,” said Republican National Committee spokesman Whit Bread, “Dress them up in nice clothes and cut their hair and you can’t tell what they believe just from their appearance.”

According to Dr. Barksley, however, liberals will no longer be able to fool conservative door-watchers with a simple disguise. “We conducted a detailed analysis of the problem starting with a simple premise: if you can’t see a difference, can you smell one? After all, you used to be able to smell Hippies. Assuming the answer was 'yes' we wondered, ‘What would a lefty smell like to a dog?’ Since canines have a sense of smell many thousand times more sensitive than humans we searched for, and found, a scent that set liberals apart.”

Dr. Barksley’s research assistant, Selma Alabama, was in charge of analyzing the liberal smell. “Many ingredients go into the smell of liberalism. Some of it is easy to document, such as bargain-brand herbal shampoos, baby powder, compost, and Snapple tea. Others, however, were tougher to recreate, especially the odor of recycling centers.”

Major Danny “Bulldog” Domo, a retired U.S. military canine handler runs the Republican dog training program. “For some reason, those little prissy dogs like Shitsus, Pomeranians, and Lhasa Apsos are best for this work,” said Major Domo. “Guess it takes a yippy dog to know a yippy-liberal, you know what I mean? Anyway, trainers are sprayed with ‘the odor of sanctity,’ as I like to call it, and the dogs are taught to sniff them out.”

So far, ‘Ro’ V. Waid is wildly enthusiastic with the results of the program. “We held a town meeting in Boston last month. You know, Massachusetts is just crawling with liberals. Thanks to our liberal-sniffing dogs we were able to weed out dozens of lefties who tried sneaking in right at the door.”

Whit Bread agrees, saying, “That was probably the first totally liberal-free town meeting we ever held. In fact, we even managed to cull several left-leaning Republicans from the herd before they could make trouble. I’d venture to say there wasn’t a single dissenting voice or original thought in the whole place. It made me proud to be a Republican.” The Republican leadership is considering expanding the program. A spokesperson for Repesentative Tom DeLay (R-Texas), the party's main attack dog, said, “Considering the partisan battles we expect to wage in the coming months over such issues as Social Security and Medicaid reform, imagine how helpful it would be to nip Democratic opposition in the butt–if you’ll forgive my bon mot.”

“My only concern is that the dogs will go for Ted Kennedy first,” Bread adds. “Chomping on him will keep our entire canine corps busy for days.” He paused. “Maybe even weeks.”

Weekly World News

In April 2005, I began writing for Weekly World News, the World's Only Reliable Newspaper. In February 2006 I became Senior (then Executive) Editor of the paper until it folded in August 2007. While I did articles about all sorts of things, I enjoyed writing political satire the most. Here's a piece I wrote in August 2005:

FOR SALE: ONE CONSTITUTION, SLIGHTLY USED

© AMI

Washington, D.C. – Ever since its ratification on September 17, 1787 the Constitution of the United States of America has served as this nations’ blueprint for freedom.

Over the centuries, emerging nations have used this remarkable document as a literal blueprint for their own constitutions.

But one new nation has gone a step further. Instead of merely using America’s Constitution for inspiration and guidance in the drafting of one of their own, the Republic of Iraq has purchased the U.S. document outright.

“Lock, stock, and copyright,” affirmed Ibrahaim al-Jubburi, a lawyer for Iraq’s Ministry of Constitutional Concerns. “But we’re open to a licensing agreement so the U.S.A. can maintain its democratic ideals.”

“The boss kind of wanted to keep this one quiet,” Wayne Nugget, the Second Deputy Assistant to the Third Undersecretary of State admitted sheepishly. “The Secretary of State came up with the idea on the first day of a three-day meeting in Baghdad to discuss constitutional issues. He muttered something about having to spend two more days in ‘this hell-hole,’ then stood up and said, ‘Why don’t you just buy our Constitution? It’s worked pretty darned well for us,’ and then he caught the next plane home.”

Sharif al-Fahcokted, a member of Iraq’s 275-member Transitional National Assembly, said, “At first we thought he was kidding with us, you know? But when the Secretary didn’t come back after about fifteen, twenty minutes, we realized he wasn’t joking.”

His colleague in the Assembly, Mahdi Lazeei added, “Then we thought, well, what the heck? Their Constitution’s worked for them for almost 225 years, and we weren’t having any luck being able to come up with something of our own that all sides could agree on.”

“The price,” said Iraq’s Minister of Finance, Abdul Ot’thedouh, “was pretty reasonable, considering what we’re buying. And we did happen to have the six billion dollars in American currency on hand. In cash.”

Assemblyman al-Fahcokted hastened to add, “Of course, that price includes all the Amendments as well.”

“Look, I’m not telling tales out of the mosque when I say that things have been pretty messed up around here,” said Mahdi Lazeei. “We had the American governing commission, than the Iraqi Interim Government, now the Transitional National Assembly, and who the heck knows what’s next.

“So we spent a few dinars and bought a used Constitution to make things a little easier on ourselves. I mean, we don’t have running water or electricity, for crying out loud!”

“This is an outrage,” fumes Tom Paine, spokesman for Protect Our Constitution, Keep My American Republic Contained (P.O.C.K.M.A.R.C.). “The Constitution and the democratic ideals it outlines belongs to all Americans and can’t be bought or sold.”

“Guess again,” says U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. “There’s nothing in the Constitution that prohibits us from selling the Constitution. At least that what my staff tells me.”

Besides, the attorney general points out that should the administration push legislation through Congress strengthening the Patriot Acts, selling the Constitution to Iraq won’t have much of an impact on American life. “I mean,” said Mr. Gonzales, “it’s not like we’re really using it all that much these days, anyway.”