Weekly World News XVII

Another from the archives of the late, lamented Weekly World News. I wrote this one back in October 2005, but it's as fresh today as it was back then. That's all supposed to change soon, right?

BIG RATINGS FOR THE HOME LOBBYING NETWORK

© Weekly World News

Washington, D.C. – When you want to buy the latest line of Joan Rivers jewelry or the complete Heroes of NASCAR Autographed Collectible Card Set from the comfort of your Barcalounger, you tune in to one of many home shopping networks.

When you want to watch the behind-the-scenes minutia of the democratic process, you flip over to C-PANT (Cable Public Affair Network Television).

When you want to buy political influence, you turn to one of the many political lobbying groups in Washington, D.C.

But what about those who want to buy political influence from the comfort of their own Barcalounger?

Those are the ones who should check their local listings for the merger of these two cable-TV staples into PS-PANT (Political Shopping Public Affairs Network Television).

Cable TV mogul Hubert Morlock announced PS-PANT at a press conference held in the Capitol rotunda. “I became an American citizen as much for my love of democracy as for tax purposes,” the Australian born Morlock told reporters. “PS-PANT makes paid political influence available right on your TV and gives everyone access to affordable democracy.”

PS-PANT will continue to air its usual fare of Senate and House sessions, speeches, and call-in talk shows...but in a box inset in the lower right hand corner of the screen. The rest of the screen will show the new political influence sales programming.

“Don’t get the wrong idea,” said programming director Brian “Red” DuMont. “PS-PANT will sell a lot of different stuff. Collectibles. Memorabilia. Political art. And, yes, political influence.”

Hugh Smiley is host of Influence Peddlers, the nightly four-hour prime-time program featuring genuine Washington lobbyists offering their services for sale to the home viewer.

“It works just like any other home shopping channel,” Mr. Smiley said. “We present the product—in this case, the lobbyists who know who to go to in order to get things done in Washington—and you call in to buy it.

“For example, you might have a problem with, say, the high price of milk. So you’d call in when we have on a dairy industry lobbyist and hire him to lobby on your behalf to get higher subsidies for dairy farmers, thus keeping down the cost of milk.

“However, if you’re against increased subsidies, we’ll also feature lobbyists you can hire to work against them. We’ll have lobbyists on for every budget and political belief, as well as special local programming to help you buy influence in your area.”

Influence Peddling is just one of three daily four-hour political influence shopping shows on PS-PANT. “As much as we’re about political influence peddling for the masses, we haven’t forgotten the heavy rollers,” chuckled Mr. Smiley. “Every night at midnight, we bring out the big guns. I’m talking big oil, big steel, the high-end tech companies, pharmaceuticals and the like. You’re gonna need your gold card to buy into this club, my friend.”

“We’re revolutionizing politics and TV,” Hubert Morlock said when he announced PS-PANT to the nation. “It’s our hope that before too long, you won’t be able to tell the difference between the two.”