Friday, August 15, 2008

Weekly World News V

An article written in May 2005:

RABBITS SUE TO KEEP THEIR FEET ON THE GROUND...AND OFF KEYCHAINS!
© Weekly World News
Garbage Pail Kids
© The Topps Cpmpany, Inc.

They are a familiar sight in animal shelters and pet shops across the nation: rabbit amputees, their limbs sacrificed by the millions every year in the name of good luck.

"Bad luck for their poor little missing hindquarters," sneered Harvey P. Dowd, an attorney representing Help Outlaw Paw Pruning Sadists, an organization devoted to ending the barbaric human practice of cutting off rabbit’s feet and carrying them for good luck. "The foot of the Leporidae -- which is the Latin name for rabbits -- has been used as a good luck charm since before 600 B.C. These trinkets grew from ancient superstitions about fertility and pacifism. But there is nothing peaceful about this grisly practice."

In criminal papers filed in U.S. District Court, H.O.P.P.S. seeks an injunction against the ‘foot fetish peddlers,’ as they call them. Not only does the suit claim ‘cruel and unusual punishment,’ it accuses the defendants of trafficking in stolen goods. H.O.P.P.S. has also filed a separate class action civil suit seeking monetary compensation for the many millions of victims of the powerful rabbits foot industry.

"This is an abuse of the legal system," said Dutch D’Argent, spokesperson for plush animal and trinket-industry giant Fun Fur All. "Owning a rabbit’s foot is part of the rite-of-passage in America. It's like your first jackknife or BB gun -- which, frankly, is one reason a kid needs a good luck charm.

"I mean, we're talking about rabbits," D’Argent went on. "People slaughter billions of animals every year for food. Heck, we take the rabbit’s feet but at least we leave the animals alive!"

Alive and at the center of an expensive health care crisis.

"It might be more merciful if D'Argent and his fellow sadists did just kill them," Dowd said bitterly. "Instead, they leave behind wounded, wretched ruins with nothing to look forward to but more bad hare days."

Dexter Palomino and his wife, Satin, run a rabbit rescue farm in Fresno, California. It’s located in a quiet, rustic setting on Bunny Lake.

"Most of our guests are victims of the good luck charm industry," Dexter said. "Our farm is crawling with bunny amputees. Well, not crawling. Most of them get around on those little carts with wheels. Unfortunately, our financial resources are stretched to the limit. There’s a waiting list of rabbits to get in."

"That’s why we’re also suing for funding," said Mr. Dowd. "The bill should be footed, so to speak, by the people who crippled these poor creatures in the first place."

The rabbits foot industry claims not to be worried by the lawsuit. "These rabbits don’t have a leg to stand on, legally and otherwise," said Mr. D’Argent.

"We’ll see about that," Dowd told us. "We’ll also see something else -- whether a few hundred thousand rabbit’s feet can actually bring a heartless businessman any luck."

4 comments:

jeery said...

The free rabbit photo,rabbit videos and more types of rabbit About Us in the http://www.rabbits-house.com

warren said...

I've got a hard time following that jeery fella.


Kupperberg, this is punny. So punny. Some of my priends like it too!

Paul Kupperberg said...

You're obviously a man who hangs with a superior crowd, Warren. Thanks!

Johnny Rizzo said...

bad hare day ! funny