Weekly World News XI

Seeing as how we're in the midst of another Debate Season, here's a Weekly World News story I wrote in August 2005, referencing the last time the candidates did the Dance of 1,000 Lies.

TOP PRESIDENTIAL ADVISOR IS A MOUSE

© Weekly World News

Washington, D.C. – Karl Rove. Condoleezza Rice. Dick Rumsfeld. Familiar names to many as advisors to President George W. Bush, but the identity of the commander-in-chief’s very top advisor is a closely guarded secret known, until now, to only a select few.

Because the president’s ranking confidant is a mouse!

This unique relationship was caught on tape by a security camera in the corridor of a Los Angeles hotel where the president was speaking to a gathering of the Republican leadership.

Weekly World News has obtained a copy of this remarkable footage, starting as the president pauses before entering the ballroom to deliver his speech. He moves to a corner where, behind a screen of Secret Service agents, he takes a little white mouse from his pocket and has a hurried whispered conversation with it:

POTUS: I ain’t sure about this speech, Topo.
MOUSE: The speech is fine, W.
POTUS: It doesn’t go far enough!
MOUSE: So, they’ll have to give a little to get what they want.
POTUS: Oh, I get it.
MOUSE: You don’t have to. It’s what I’m here for.

“The president likes to call him Topo Gigio, after the Italian mouse puppet that appeared on the Ed Sullivan show in the 1960s, but his real name is Irwin,” said a high-ranking administration official who confirmed the story on condition of anonymity.

“The president doesn’t make a move without Irwin. Carries that little mouse around with him everywhere he goes.”

Ann Trey, a former White House cook, has seen and heard Irwin for herself. “The president would come into the kitchen for his graham crackers and milk, or sometimes a Pop Tart, and I’d see him sneak little pieces of cheese to the mouse,” said Ms. Trey.

“Well, one time, I heard the mouse say, ‘Give me a piece of that Pop Tart.’ The president said no, that mice ate cheese, but the mouse said it was sick of cheese and wanted some Pop Tart. They got into this whole argument but stopped when they saw me staring. He shoved that mouse into his pocket and skedaddled out of there.”

When asked about Irwin, White House press secretary Scott McClellan told reporters, “I can categorically state that, were any rodents involved in policy discussions, and I’m not saying that any are, they would be involved, not that they necessarily are or are not, on a strictly informal basis.”

But the anonymous administration source said, “Remember that bulge on the president’s back under his suit jacket during the debates? That was Irwin, staying close to whisper answers in the president’s ear.

“Irwin’s pretty darned smart for a mouse. He’s been involved in almost every major policy decision of this administration. The one time the president didn’t take his advice was on how to conduct the Iraqi war and look how that’s turning out.”

A reporter shouting questions about the mouse to the president during his latest five-week vacation at his Crawford, Texas ranch received this response from the commander-in-chief, “Irwin’s just a family friend.”

White House chief of staff Karl Rove amended the president’s statement, saying, “What he meant was, if there was an Irwin, he’d be happy to have him as a friend. But there isn’t. So he doesn’t.”

Vice President Dick Cheney, reportedly jealous of the president’s special advisor, has been seen placing mousetraps around the Oval Office.

Weekly World News VIII

Here's a Weekly World News story I wrote in September 2005. After his speech last night at the Republican Convention, the line about Joe Lieberman not being able to run for President again remains deeply meaningful:

“EL PRESIDENTE” BUSH Plans for W’s Retirement Years...as President of Mexico

© Weekly World News

Washington, D.C.—All the experts agree that it’s never too early to begin planning for your retirement. And with the end of his second term a little more than three years away, President George W. Bush is no exception.

Most ex-presidents spend their post-White House years writing their memoirs and books on politics and policy (or, in the case of Gerald R. Ford, playing golf), living out their years as respected elder statesmen or dying shortly after leaving office.

A few ex-presidents have remained active in politics and the law, including sixth president John Quincy Adams (the only other child of a president to also be elected to the highest office in the land) who served for 18 years in the U.S. House of Representatives after his single term in office. Likewise, 27th president William Howard Taft, was appointed a justice of the Supreme Court after his term.

Weekly World News has learned that President Bush intends to follow the path of the second group by remaining in the political forum.

Just not in the United States.

Instead, a confidential source in the Bush White House has revealed, advisers have put together a plan that will allow the current U.S. president to run for the office of president of the Republic of Mexico after he leaves office in January of 2009.

“It’s not going to be easy,” the Weekly World News source admits. “According to Article 82 of the Mexican constitution, a candidate must be a ‘Mexican citizen by birth, in the full enjoyment of his rights,’ so right there we run into a problem, seeing as how the president was born in New Haven, Connecticut.”

“We thought about getting Mexico to change its constitution,” reveals Boyd Brayne, a constitutional attorney working with the Bush for Mexico 2010 campaign. “But that would have taken too long and cost more money than even the corporate oil lobby was willing to shell out to make this happen. So, instead we hit on the idea of making Connecticut a part of Mexico, retroactive to 1946, the year he was born, which would automatically make the president a Mexican citizen.”

The Bush-Mexico committee has encountered a surprising lack of resistance to their radical plan. The Republican controlled Congress has vowed to push this plan through both Houses. “And,” adds Senator majority leader Bill Frist of Tennessee with a twinkle in his eye, “we’re only one more Republican nomination to the Supreme Court away from guaranteeing the annexation of Connecticut to Mexico is ‘constitutional.’”

“All things considered, it’s not that big a deal,” said House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-Illinois) . “I mean, it’s a tiny little state. Only Delaware and Rhode Island are smaller. And then we can finally make Puerto Rico a state. That way we won’t have the extra hassle of having to change all the flags to 49 stars. Plus, it prevents Joe Lieberman from ever running for president again.”

Mexico Senator Manual Trepa, who is spearheading the Bush effort south of the border, said in an interview aboard his new $1.3 luxury yacht, “We in Mexico would welcome Connecticut into the confederacy of Mexican states. I understand it ranks numero uno in personal wealth. That should come in handy.”

When asked about his plans for a run for the Mexican presidency, President Bush would only say, “No commentario.”

Reports that Karl Rove and Dick Cheney have begun taking Spanish lessons have yet to be confirmed.