Weekly World News VI

Here’s a Weekly World News piece I wrote in September 2005. I’m a regular Nostradamus, ain’t I?

BYE-BYE, BUCKS, HELLO TARS

New Currency Issued on U.S.'s New Oil-Based Economy

© Weekly World News
DISNEY DOLLARS © Disney

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- According to a secret report leaked to Weekly World News, the U.S. Mint has been busy printing new bills like money was going out of style.

That’s because it is! At least, the money we knew.

"The president felt it was time to replace the old dollar with a new unit of currency," admitted Assistant Deputy Treasury Secretary Mindy Doe. "Look at our cash -- all those pictures of dead presidents, buildings and sayings most people don’t recognize. Is that the kind of thing to have on currency?

"And gold -- what’s that about? Except for jewelry and teeth, what do we actually do with it? Is that a substance on which to base an economy?"

According to the White House, the answer is no.

"Beginning in 2007, the familiar greenback, or dollar bill, is to be phased out and replaced by the newly created ‘tarback,’" said Doe. "Its value will be backed by the price of oil as we switch from a gold-based to petroleum-based economy."

"I personally think it’s a great idea," confided Representative Tom LeDay (R-Alaska). "One tarback will be worth the price of one barrel of oil. That should help take the sting out of the so-called ‘high cost of filling your gas tank.’

"First, of course, Americans will have to turn in their current currency," LeDay added. "It will cost at least eighty dollars to purchase one Tarbuck."

The new currency is the same size as the current bills, colored gray rather than green. The pictures of former American presidents will be replaced by images of gas pumps through history. The picture of the pyramid on the $1 bill is being changed to a Texas oil rig.

The government plans to eliminate coins altogether, since they will be practically worthless.

"That will also solve the problem of all those homeless people annoying us by rattling coffee cups filled with change," Doe added.