Friday, July 25, 2008

Weekly World News

In April 2005, I began writing for Weekly World News, the World's Only Reliable Newspaper. In February 2006 I became Senior (then Executive) Editor of the paper until it folded in August 2007. While I did articles about all sorts of things, I enjoyed writing political satire the most. Here's a piece I wrote in August 2005:

FOR SALE: ONE CONSTITUTION, SLIGHTLY USED
© AMI

Washington, D.C. – Ever since its ratification on September 17, 1787 the Constitution of the United States of America has served as this nations’ blueprint for freedom.

Over the centuries, emerging nations have used this remarkable document as a literal blueprint for their own constitutions.

But one new nation has gone a step further. Instead of merely using America’s Constitution for inspiration and guidance in the drafting of one of their own, the Republic of Iraq has purchased the U.S. document outright.

“Lock, stock, and copyright,” affirmed Ibrahaim al-Jubburi, a lawyer for Iraq’s Ministry of Constitutional Concerns. “But we’re open to a licensing agreement so the U.S.A. can maintain its democratic ideals.”

“The boss kind of wanted to keep this one quiet,” Wayne Nugget, the Second Deputy Assistant to the Third Undersecretary of State admitted sheepishly. “The Secretary of State came up with the idea on the first day of a three-day meeting in Baghdad to discuss constitutional issues. He muttered something about having to spend two more days in ‘this hell-hole,’ then stood up and said, ‘Why don’t you just buy our Constitution? It’s worked pretty darned well for us,’ and then he caught the next plane home.”

Sharif al-Fahcokted, a member of Iraq’s 275-member Transitional National Assembly, said, “At first we thought he was kidding with us, you know? But when the Secretary didn’t come back after about fifteen, twenty minutes, we realized he wasn’t joking.”

His colleague in the Assembly, Mahdi Lazeei added, “Then we thought, well, what the heck? Their Constitution’s worked for them for almost 225 years, and we weren’t having any luck being able to come up with something of our own that all sides could agree on.”

“The price,” said Iraq’s Minister of Finance, Abdul Ot’thedouh, “was pretty reasonable, considering what we’re buying. And we did happen to have the six billion dollars in American currency on hand. In cash.”

Assemblyman al-Fahcokted hastened to add, “Of course, that price includes all the Amendments as well.”

“Look, I’m not telling tales out of the mosque when I say that things have been pretty messed up around here,” said Mahdi Lazeei. “We had the American governing commission, than the Iraqi Interim Government, now the Transitional National Assembly, and who the heck knows what’s next.

“So we spent a few dinars and bought a used Constitution to make things a little easier on ourselves. I mean, we don’t have running water or electricity, for crying out loud!”

“This is an outrage,” fumes Tom Paine, spokesman for Protect Our Constitution, Keep My American Republic Contained (P.O.C.K.M.A.R.C.). “The Constitution and the democratic ideals it outlines belongs to all Americans and can’t be bought or sold.”

“Guess again,” says U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. “There’s nothing in the Constitution that prohibits us from selling the Constitution. At least that what my staff tells me.”

Besides, the attorney general points out that should the administration push legislation through Congress strengthening the Patriot Acts, selling the Constitution to Iraq won’t have much of an impact on American life. “I mean,” said Mr. Gonzales, “it’s not like we’re really using it all that much these days, anyway.”

5 comments:

rob! said...

"Weekly World News, the World's Only Reliable Newspaper"

...i know this is supposed to be funny, but i find it sadly true. i'd rather see some reporter from WWW on tv commenting on politics than the usual knuckleheads they have now on MSNBC and CNN.

at least if you had the WWW guys on, there'd be the occasional mention of BatBoy.

Paul Kupperberg said...

WWN had a better grasp on reality than the Bush administration and FOX ever did.

marsfilmhq said...

Then again, truth is far stranger than fiction.

http://www.nationalenquirer.com/edwards_affair_enquirer_report_confirmed/celebrity/65210

Paul Kupperberg said...

Hey, Dick! Glad to see you found your way here. Tell your friends!

Johnny Rizzo said...

Mahdi lazy eye ? lol great name play