Here’s a quartet of
Weekly World News shorts I wrote for the paper in 2007. The first article is previously unpublished.
Breaking News: CRIME DOES PAY ... FABULOUSLY!
© Paul Kupperberg
CANNES, France – Interpol today announced the first in a series of arrests across Europe that will, according to Inspector Niles ‘Butch’ Bottomswale, “break the back of one of the world’s cruelest crime syndicates.
“After a six-year long investigation by Interpol and the police of eight nations,” the British-born Inspector Bottomswale announced, “we have begun to make arrests and tighten the net around the big fish at the top of the Gay Mafia.”
Arrested at Cannes was alleged
le grande dame d’crime Andre ‘Coteur’ LeBustier, his trusted lieutenant and stylist, Toulouse ‘Le Pantalon’ Pantalon, and
consigliore Dexter ‘Four-Eyes’ Kugelman, along with a dozen lesser figures.
“These brutes have their fingers in everything,” Inspector Bottomswale told
Weekly World News. “Fashion, art, music, dance,
haute cuisine, you name it, these deuced-dandies take a hefty share of the pie, driving up prices everywhere.
“Believe me, it’s their corruption that’s behind the $100-plus Broadway theater ticket and $18 compact disc!”
"Monsieur LeBustier is a businessman, nothing more or less,” insists Nigel Snigglesworth, attorney for LeBustier. “He is being persecuted for possessing impeccable taste! This outrage will not stand!”
But Interpol believes it has a solid case against LeBustier and the others. “We have witnesses to all their outrages, including one hundred and seventy-two counts of ‘aggravated fashion critiquing,’ seventeen of ‘felony furniture rearrangement,’ and we’re still coming up daily with new cases of ‘drive-by makeovers.’”
Perhaps the most damning witness for the prosecution is Serge ‘Frosted Tips’ Rinsesocovitch, one-time enforcer for the Gay Mafia. “Cement shoes are
so last century,” the self-esteem-killing hit man told authorities. “They clash with practically
everything.
“And why kill your rivals when it’s much more painful to ostracize and mercilessly mock them until they
wish they were dead.”
“Our Nana is Patient Zero!” Boy Cries: SENIORS STRUCK BY MYSTERY AILMENT!
© Weekly World News
ATLANTA, Ga. – An epidemic in retirement communities and nursing homes around the country had the National Institute for Disease Control concerned.
“We saw the first cases in the residents of La Boca Vista Retirement Village in Florida,” said the NIDC’s Dr. Shiela Purvis. “The outbreak struck during the shuffleboard season, when seniors were constantly moving between communities for tournaments.”
The disease caused a mysterious reaction that made anyone near the sufferer run away screaming. By the end of the first week, cases began popping up in Arizona, New Mexico, Skokie, Illinois, and Long Island, New York.
“It took a month of round the clock effort to finally isolate the infectious agent,” Dr. Purvis told
Weekly World News. “What we discovered is it’s a virus that mutated from one that usually affects children only. The first senior to contract the disease, our ‘Patient Zero,’ was an eighty-year-old grandmother who had recently been visited by her family from New York.
“We tested the family and found that just prior to the visit, her eleven-year old grandson, had been suffering from a severe case of
cooteonerdomitis -- more commonly known as ‘the cooties.’
“Usually, when adolescents hit puberty the increase in hormones eradicates the
cooteovirus from their systems. We believe the mutated
cooteovirus, dubbed
codgervirus, is able to take advantage of the
decreased hormone levels in the elderly to gain hold and cause infection.
“Fortunately, we’ve developed a vaccine to stop the spread of
codgervirus,” Dr. Purvis added.
In an unrelated story, the NIDC has identified a chronic problem among post-menopausal seniors.
“Their fuzzy cheeks are actually a form of acne,” she said. “We are presently looking for a way to treat these ‘knitz.’”
BELLYBUTTON RING TONES
© Weekly World News
SAN DIEGO, Calif. – The beeping, chirping, and musical notes of ringing cell phones have become a part of the background noise of everyday life. Now, however, a new company is adding electronic sounds to the mix with the introduction of Bellybutton RingTones.
“Everyone’s getting their bellybuttons pierced, but other than another place to hang cheap jewelry, so
what?” said seventeen year-old Hedda Audi, inventor of the Bellybutton RingTones.
“I thought, shouldn’t these things
do something? Wouldn’t it be cool if they could talk to one another? So I came up with this really tiny infra-red sensor. Actually, my dad did. I told him it was for a school project. Anyway, whenever one Bellybutton RingTone gets close to another, they both beep with any one of thousands of downloadable sounds or songs available at our website, UmbilicalChord.com.”
The RingTones were an instant sales success, much to the distress of her school principal. “I’ve had to ban the things,” said a harried Dr. Horace Bookman. “We had classrooms with dozens of those things going off all the same time. Very disruptive.”
“That ban is the best publicity we could’ve gotten,” Audi said as the theme from
Aqua Teen Hunger Force played from her navel. “We’ve tripled sales since the ban and plan to expand our business. People pierce all sorts of places, so there’re millions of holes we can fill!”
JEWELRY FOR JESUS
© Weekly World News
JERUSALEM, Israel – The discovery twenty-seven years ago of six limestone bone boxes, or ossuaries, inscribed with the names ‘Jesus,’ ‘Joseph,’ ‘Mary,’ ‘Matthew,’ ‘Mary Magdalene,’ and ‘Judah Son of Jesus,’ have lead many biblical scholars to believe, after decades of study, that the Jesus family tomb has been discovered.
However, one overlooked artifact was a smaller carved cedar box with a hinged top that was dug up only a few yards from the Jesus family tomb. On its lid was carved the initial ‘J,’ and it held a single item: a wooden bracelet, hand-carved, and inscribed with four Aramaic characters.
“I’m amazed that no one ever bothered having the Aramaic letters translated before,” said Chaim DeBunco, chairman of the University of Lamden’s Biblical Studies department. “It would have solved this mystery
years ago. This box belonged to, indeed may have been
made, by Jesus himself. The bracelet confirms it: the letters translate to the initials ‘W.W.I.D.?’ which stands for
What Would I Do?
“Who
else would have owned a little bauble like that?”
