Now THAT'S the Spirit!

The archaeological dig through my past continues as old files are sorted and full closets are emptied, yielding all sorts of wonderful and forgotten (or, in some cases, wonderfully forgotten!) treasures, personal and historic. Including an amazing and previously unknown piece of work by a seminal creator of the comics business; a Google search of said work produced zero results; I'm in touch with the creator's official biographer and we will be pursuing, at some point soon, a way to get this into publication with the family's blessing...but that's neither here nor there! We were, after all, talking about me.

Circa 1987, I apparently wrote up a hunch of ideas and sample scripts to submit to Cracked Magazine, the long-running Mad impersonator. One was a general piece, "What If Everybody Got In On The Max Headroom Craze?" (My guess is the result would have been that they too would be a forgotten pop cultural reference by now.) I also pitched a couple of ideas, "Wrestling From the Dark Side" and "The Cable-Ready World of Skeeter Kornfeld," an ongoing feature that would have allowed for all sorts of TV parodies. AND, "The Spookit," a parody of Will Eisner's The Spirit! My guess is the late-1980s TV movie had recently aired and, being an Eisner fan (although, who isn't?), I probably just went with it.

At any rate, I never did sell to Cracked, but my efforts at funny survive. Here, for you to mock and judge harshly (click on images to view them at a readable size), the unpublished script of "The Spookit":

(c) respective copyright holders

Weekly World News XXIV

A piece I wrote for Weekly World News in July 2005. Change a couple of dates and facts and it still works, four years later...

SINGING THE WOES OF UNEMPLOYMENT
The Moochers and the Paupers Rock Wall Street

© Weekly World News

NEW YORK, NY – Their once expensive suits have grown tattered, their designer shoes are scuffed and worn, but these five former businesspeople haven’t lost their taste for the good life...just their ability to pay for it.

They are The Moochers and the Paupers, a singing group made up of men and women who used to have it all until they lost everything but their voices to hard economic times.

“I was on top of the world,” said 42-year old Dennis Donnity, until 2004 a stockbroker for the prestigious New York firm of Dewey, Cheatham & Howe. “I was earning a couple a million a year, lived in a penthouse in Trump Towers, and was married to a gorgeous trophy wife. Then I lost my job, my home, my wife, and everything else.”

Now he sings for food in parks and on street corners.

They all have similar stories. “I was on the fast track to making partner in the legal firm of Lacey, Buttons, and Bowes,” recalls Michelle Phipps, 36. “But then the economy slowed up, the firm lost several major clients, and I was out on my can, canned.”

“A couple years ago, I was worth $17 million bucks,” sighed entrepreneur John Pilpop. “Now I eat out of supermarket dumpsters and have to sleep on the couches of friends and relatives.”

The five out-of-work financial workers met on the unemployment line the week after Thanksgiving, 2004. “We were all reaching the end of our unemployment benefits and started talking over day-old donuts salvaged from the Dunkin’ Donuts dumpster,” explained lead singer Melissa “Moocher” Elliot, a former financial analyst for Goldfinger & Sacks. “Dennis mentioned that he played the guitar and Michelle admitted that she could sing and shake a mean tambourine.

“Well, the next thing you know, we all broke out in song and passersby started dropping coins in my coffee cup...which was annoying since I wasn’t finished drinking it and at a buck sixty-nine a cup, well, you can understand.”

Ex-banker McGuinn McGuire was the first to suggest that they form a group. “We made almost 17 bucks in 10 minutes just goofing around. I was mooching my meals and a bed off my brother-in-law and couldn’t get arrested in the job market, so what did we have to lose?”

The Moochers and the Paupers started playing gigs on street corners in the Wall Street area. “It was kind’a embarrassing to be singing for spare change where my former co-workers could see me,” admitted ex-Wall Streeter Melissa Elliot. “On the other hand, seeing me must’ve made them realize they could be in my boat, so they started dropping tens and twenties into the hat.”

McGuinn McGuire began to write songs for the Moochers and the Paupers that reflected their economic plight, including “Unemployment Dreamin’,” with such lyrics as:

Oh, my job is gone ‘cause I was downsized today,
I went searchin’ through the want ads, and then began to pray.
No one wants to hire, if you ain’t minimum wage,
Man, I used to drive a Jaguar, now it’s bus fair I cadge.

Their most popular number is the haunting “Check Day, Check Day”:

Check day, check day, so good to see,
Check day, check day, how fast 26 weeks does flee,
Oh, unemployment, unemployment is not new to me,
Which makes check day a close friend indeed.

“We’ve started to attract quite a following,” John Pilpop said. “Some of our fans are even employed!”

“The group’s booked to play the 42nd Street subway station next month,” reveals Dennis Donnity. “We’re very excited.”

Michelle hopes success doesn’t spoil the Moochers and the Paupers sound. “Once you actually own your own bed and stop having to eat from dumpsters, it takes the edge off your art, you know?”

Weekly World News XXIII

A story I wrote for Weekly World News in June 2006. Back then, I kind'a thought I was kidding...

CHINA’S SECRET PLAN TO BUY U.S. BANKS!
Reds’ Economy in the Black While U.S. Dives Into Debt

© Weekly World News

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A secret report prepared by the Federal Reserve Bank has delivered the most stunning economic news since the Savings and Loan scandal of the 1980s...and perhaps the most devastating blow to the American economy since the Great Depression. According to the report, since 1998, the People’s Republic of China has been buying up U.S. banks at an alarming rate.

“If this tide is not stemmed,” the 463-page report warns, “the United States will lose its economic freedom and become, in effect, a subsidiary of the People’s Republic of China.”

Dr. Jeffrey Spicoli, professor of economics at Harvard University and a Weekly World News consultant, said that the report, leaked by a high ranking administrative official, details the twisted economic road that lead to this historic turn of events.

“Communist China has taken to capitalism like a duck to duck sauce,” said Dr. Spicoli. “It didn’t take them long to learn the power of the almighty dollar.”

“The Chinese leadership had been dedicated to the fall of capitalism for decades. But after the 1991 collapse of the Soviet Union, their most powerful communist ally and the development of a more fully integrated global economy, China was forced to take a harder look at their place in the world.”

Ralph Tungsten, a board member of the World Bank, points to the 1999 reacquisition of financially vital Hong Kong by China as the turning point in the Chinese economic philosophy. “All of a sudden,” he said, “they were in control of one of the strongest economies in the Pacific Rim and they saw it was good.”

“The Chinese were quick to take advantage of the weakening American economy after the 2000 elections,” the Federal Reserve report states. “With the U.S. deficit running to $375 billion in 2003, $477 billion in 2004, and an estimated $362 for 2005, the Beijing government saw an opportunity to quietly infiltrate and expand their influence on the world’s strongest economy.”

“A deficit results when the country spends more oney than it takes in through taxes and the collection of duties on foreign goods,” explained Dr. Spicoli.

To make up the difference between what is earned and what is spent, the government borrows money—to be repaid, with interest—from other nations. These countries, in turn, will often “sell” these debts to other countries.

“In 2001 alone, China bought over $326 billion dollars worth of U.S. debt and that amount has increased as much as 127% a year since,” reveals Mr. Tungsten. “And rather than invest their profits back into China, they have been using their newfound wealth to buy American banks.”

Beginning with such small institutions as the Utah Savings And Loan, the First Bank of Spokane (WA), Brooklyn Savings, and the Montana Guarantee Trust in 2002, the First National Bank of China and the Chinese People’s Reserve Bank of the Glorious Revolution has gone on to acquire larger and larger banks.

“China now owns over one hundred U.S. banks worth more than $17 trillion dollars,” said Dr. Spicoli. “That makes them a majority shareholder in America. If they decided to call in, or demand repayment of trillions of dollars in debt, the country would be unable to pay and would be forced to default on their loans, making Beijing, in essence, the new owners of America.”

“The national security implications of Chinese ownership of America’s financial institutions are staggering,” the Fed report said. “They can manipulate the economy to cause inflation, recessions, or even a full-blown depression. They can even hold American foreign policy hostage by threatening economic sanctions if we go off in directions they do not like or are against their own interests.”

“These are dark days for the U.S. economy,” warns Dr. Spicoli. “The implications of Chinese ownership of U.S. banks will be much more serious than bank customers receiving woks instead of toasters for opening new accounts. America, like many Americans, is suddenly only one missed payment away from bankruptcy and Chinese ownership!”

Weekly World News XXII

Another ditty from the late, lamented Weekly World News, written in September 2005, back when there was a lot of right wing fundamentalist talk about how all theories, like evolution and gravity, were called "theories" because they were still unproven. When one has the forum, one must respond.

CONGRESS TO REPEAL THE LAW OF GRAVITY

© Weekly World News

Washington, D.C. – One of the most divisive issues in America today remains the debate over the validity of scientific theory. From evolution versus intelligent design to global warming versus benign climatic change, political differences seem to have spilled over into the laboratory.

But the latest and most vocal debate seems to be over the concept of what has been, until recently, one of the bedrocks of science: gravity.

“This nonsense has been going on long enough,” declared the 700 Club’s Pat Robertson. “It’s about time someone planted their feet firmly on the ground and spoke out against this unproven, so-called ‘scientific theory.’”

Doctor Sam “Right” Winger, a professor of Religious Sciences at Bob Jones University, agrees. “Has anyone ever actually seen gravity? Of course not, because it doesn’t exist. Why, anybody who’s ever read the Bible knows that the Earth and everything on it was created in seven days, and nowhere is gravity mentioned. No, the reason we don’t float off the face of the planet is because the good Lord gave us this world and wants us to stay put.”

“Thanks to Dr. Winger’s clear and concise analysis of the situation, we feel confident this is the right thing to do,” said House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-Illinois) in an announcement with his Senate colleague, majority leader Bill Frist (R-Tennessee). “That’s why we’ve put forth joint resolution HR-666, repealing the so-called Law of Gravity.”

“Isaac Newton, who wasn’t even an American,” said an outraged Senator Frist, “perpetrated this hoax on the world based on having an apple fall on his head. It never occurred to this heretic, who also gave the world calculus—which, by the way, we’re going after next—that this was actually the Lord’s way of trying to smite him for his wrong-headed thoughts instead of proof of some asinine theory.”

White House spokesman Scott McClellan said, “The president has long believed that gravity should be a faith-based initiative instead of something mandated by law.”

“I’ve always believed gravity is the work of the good Lord. Back when I was in the Air National Guard,” the president quipped to reporters on his way to a two-week vacation at his Crawford, Texas ranch, “I used to pray He would keep me in the air every time I had to fly. Which wasn’t often.”

Responding to claims by the scientific community that gravity is a proven force of nature, Dr. Winger said, “It’s all right there in the Bible, in Genesis, verse 7: ‘And God made the firmament and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament; and it was so.’ Heaven up, firmament down, God’s will. I don’t know what else you need, but if it makes you feel any better, even NASA agrees with us.”

“Of course! It’s obvious,” agreed Todd T. Toddman, director of the National Anti-Scientific Association (NASA).

Representative Tom DeLay (R-Texas) said, “Look, I understand some people might not be comfortable with the religious aspect of this matter, so for them—though they’re going to Hell—let’s just say, if an American doesn't want to keep his feet on the ground, there shouldn't be a law that forces him to!”

Weekly World News XX

Here's a little ditty 'bout Bigfoot and Carol I wrote for Weekly World News in May 2005. I was playing with a "story" that had been dominating the news around the time of Jennifer Wilbanks, the "runaway bride" who claimed to have been abducted the day before her wedding...but wasn't. Alas, I broke poor Bigfoot's heart, all for the sake of a cheap laugh.

BIGFOOT’S RUNAWAY BRIDE: MRS. BIG-COLD-FEET

© Weekly World News

Menominee Falls, Wisconsin—Last Saturday was supposed to be Bigfoot’s wedding day. Guests had been arriving all week from as far away as Loch Ness, Scotland and the Himalaya Mountains in India. Instead, it turned out to be a day of fear and humiliation.

Because instead of getting married, Bigfoot awoke to find his fiancé, Carol J. Sasquatch missing and himself a suspect in her suspicious disappearance.

“Carol was very nervous about the wedding,” confided Ms. Sasquatch’s friend and bride’s maid, Shirley Loch Ness. “She decided to go out for a romp through the forest on Thursday night, taunt a few campers, dodge some video surveillance cameras...you know, relax. Well, when she didn’t come back by the next morning, we all started getting worried.”

Bigfoot immediately set out to search for her. “We checked all her usual haunts in the woods,” said a spokescreature for the concerned groom. “We couldn’t find anything. No partially consumed carcasses, no droppings. It was as if she had vanished from the face of the Earth.”

It was at that point that Sgt. Boyd Brayne of the Wisconsin State Police got involved in the hunt. “We’re always on the look-out for Bigfoot or Bigfoot-like creatures,” he said. “Hunting for giant furry monsters is pretty much an ongoing thing around these parts.”

“The police didn’t take this very seriously at first. I think they thought an elusive Sasquatch was nothing out of the ordinary,” bridesmaid Loch Ness said. “Once they learned about the wedding, that changed. But instead of searching for her, the first thing they did was haul Bigfoot in for questioning.”

Sgt. Brayne was unapologetic about the three-hour interrogation Bigfoot was subjected to. “Standard police procedure,” he claimed. “A bride-to-be goes missing, your first instinct’s to call it murder and start digging up the groom’s basement looking for a body. Especially when that groom happens to be a forest creature.”

The tale of the missing bride took a turn for the bizarre on Saturday morning when Bigfoot received a frantic phone call from his intended. “She said she had been abducted by a UFO on Thursday night and, after having all her body hair removed and undergoing two days of examination and probings, they had dropped her off at a cheap motel outside of Reno.”

With his best man, the Abominable Snowman, at his side, Bigfoot raced west to rescue his lady love.

“As soon as we got to Reno and saw what was going on,we realized that whole story had been a lie,” said Mr. Snowman.

Ms. Sasquatch was found at the Sneak-A-Peek Motel (Free Cable in Every Room), surrounded by several days worth of fast food wrappers and empty vodka bottles. Corporal Homer T. Dinkle of the Nevada State Police told Weekly World News, “Turns out she hadn’t been abducted by aliens after all. She’d taken a bus to Reno on her own. After undergoing full-body electrolysis in a nearby clinic, she auditioned at several casinos as a show girl, but no one was hiring.”

Confronted with evidence putting the lie to her story, Ms. Sasquatch broke down and tearfully confessed. “I got scared,” she sobbed. “All my life I’ve dreamed of being a glamorous show girl, but once I got married, that dream would be dead. I had to at least try, just once. Can’t anyone understand that?”

By now, the media had gotten hold of the story and had dubbed the runaway bride “Mrs. Big-Cold-Feet.”

“After her call home about the alien abduction, we put out an A.P.B. on UFOs. We wound up hassling several innocent E.T.s based on her false report,” grumbled Corporal Dinkle.

In the end, Ms. Sasquatch accompanied Bigfoot home. “I still love him,” she claimed.

“Bigfoot still wants to marry her,” the Bigfoot family spokescreature affirmed at a press conference late Saturday afternoon. “He still loves her and thinks she’s a great gal, just a little confused, that’s all.”

Abominable Snowman is not so sure this marriage will happen now. “I mean, talk about starting off their new life together on the wrong big foot,” he said.

It's CRAZY, I Tells Ya!

A long, long time ago, I wrote for Crazy Magazine, Marvel's answer to MAD Magazine. While MAD was and remains an institution (and knowing the MADmen as I do, I can vouch for the need for one to hold them), Crazy was, at the time--late-1970s/early-1980s--way more cutting edge. I think it had something to do with the fact that Crazy had nothing to lose and editor Larry Hama (yeah, the G.I JOE guy) liked anything that made him laugh. So did co-editor Jim Owsley, now known as the immensely talented writer Christopher J. Priest (not the British science fiction writer); Jim wrote the hysterical parody, "The Brownstones," the Flintstones done with the sensibility of 1970s Blaxploitation flicks.

You could take chances at Crazy; over the years it drew some very funny stuff out of many writers, including Marv Wolfman's "Gaspar the Dead Baby," the "secret origin" of Casper the Friendly Ghost (if he's a ghost, he had to have died; the grisly story of how is told here, a tale that prompted Casper owner Leon Harvey (of Harvey Comics) to express his shock that anyone would publish such a story; obviously Casper is a different life form and not an abused child killed by lunatics parents. Who doesn't want to play in that sandbox?

For several years, I wrote the movie parodies for Crazy. I did a few dozen, from Star Wars to Superman (several of each), Apocalypse Now, The Shining, American Gigolo, Popeye, The Howling and on. We couldn't get advanced screenings or scripts, so I had to wait until the film came out, see it at the theater and take copious notes, then run home and write something very fast so it could get drawn very fast and then into print fast enough that people might still remember the movie by the time the magazine hit the stands. Sometimes, we planned to parody a movie that, upon release, didn't turn out to be what we expected or simply tanked, at which point we'd pick a new film and run with it.

Two such films were Ghost Story (starring Fred Astaire and John Houseman...what could possibly go wrong?) and Warren Beatty's Reds. Personally, I hated Ghost Story (I have no use for horror movies; I find them stupid and they don't scare me...it's kind of my job to know when something is going to jump out of the dark) and I loved the Reds. There's also a shot at Whose Life Is It Anyway?, a film about a total paraplegic who wants to die while a shrink tries talking him out of it. Somehow, we didn't think this was a winning slate for the kids, so we dumped it all and I parodied something else. I don't recall what, but I did get paid twice that issue so it wasn't a total lose.

Here's the script I wrote, from 1981. If it looks weird, it's because I wrote it on something called a "typewriter." Google it. And, as always, click on an image to view it at a readable size.

Enough Already with the Jew-Jitsu Cover!

How about something from the inside, where it really counts?

Sit, read, enjoy. As always, click on an image to view it in a readable size. And, please, buy the book. There's 108 more pages just like these.

JEW-JITSU: THE HEBREW HANDS OF FURY

Jew-Jitsu © Paul Kupperberg
Photography © Michael Simses

Weekly World News XIII

A kind-of follow-up to an earlier story I wrote for Weekly World News, "Praise the Lord, Get Valuable Points" in July 2005. I'm not sure of the exact date, but I believe it was sometime in early 2007:

RestE-Z PASS UNVEILED

© Weekly World News

VATICAN CITY – In recent years, the Vatican has turned to novel marketing approaches to help boost church attendance, including issuing the ‘Indulgence Card,’ which, when swiped on collection plate readers, earns worshippers valuable points towards getting into heaven (“Praise the Lord, Get Valuable Points,” Weekly World News, September 5, 2005).

“We felt that was all well and good for those of our parishioners who still inhabited this mortal sphere,” said Bishop Doyle Dane. “But we wondered: what could the church offer those who have left us, to help ease their journey into the next world?”

The answer is the RestEZ-Pass, which is being field-tested in Chicago.

“We simply clip it to the clothing of the dearly departed,” said local funeral director Cal Dukesbury. “When it’s time to go in whichever direction the Almighty has determined for you, the RestE-Z Pass is activated.

“The deceased is whisked straight to his or her destiny on an express lane, bypassing limbo, purgatory, and long check-in lines at the Pearly Gates and Hell.”

Father Joseph Mario Spumdilini, pastor of the Windy City’s Our Lady of Perpetual Rationality, is hoping the test is a success.

“It’s a comfort to know that when you pass on you can do so with a pass on,” he said.

Weekly World News XII

Written in May, 2005:

STARTLING DISCOVERY: ROME WAS BUILT IN A DAY!

© Weekly World News

ROME, ITALY -- Here’s a warning to all those underachievers who fall back on the old claim that 'Rome wasn’t built in a day.'

"Turns out it was," says DeCry Institute archeologist Professor Rupert Valt.

The proof was found in an old earthen jar uncovered by construction workers digging a sewer line in the heart of the old city.

"When we opened the jar we found tablets carved with the plans and work schedule for the building of Rome," said Professor Valt. "Signed by Remus and Romulus themselves, the schedule called for 20,000 workers, soldiers and slaves to be on the construction site at 5 A.M. sharp. There was a timetable that had them working 24-hours straight during which time they were to build the entire city."

"This is a very exciting discovery," gushed historian Ima Borr of the Italy Community College. "According to legend, Rome was settled by the twin brothers in 753 B.C. on the Palatine Hill, one of the Seven Hills of Rome. This is not only the first actual record we have that they lived, but that they supervised the construction of the city."

The blueprints and work schedule were prepared by a Roman builder named Trumpicus, whose diary was also found in the jar.

"It’s a big jeroboam of a jug," Valt commented.

With winter fast approaching, Trumpicus proposed a bold plan to replace the smattering of tents and caves with a proper city consisting of dwellings and shops, roads and parks, temples and public spaces, arenas and theaters.

"Trumpicus was evidently quite full of himself," Ms. Boring remarked.

On the morning of October 20, 752 B.C., just a year after the founding -- "Remember, the BC years count backward," Boring added helpfully -- every man, woman and child in Rome set to work under Trumpicus’ direction. The burliest men cut white and azure marble in the quarries, the dust of which turned their collars blue. These stones were hauled to the hill by horses and raised by wooden cranes. Women directed the men, of course, while children provided food and drink.

"The work went relatively smoothly," Professor Valt noted. "There were some instances of workers not pulling their weight in which case Trumpicus would point to them and say ‘Tu exussum,’ which roughly translates from the Latin as ‘You’re fired.’ Although in this case, it apparently meant the workers were literally set on fire as an example to dawdlers."

With such strict discipline the building of Rome was actually finished in 23 hours and 49 minutes.

"Remus and Romulus rewarded Trumpicus with a palace," Volk said. "It was the first casino in Rome."

"When we heard this revelation you could have knocked us over with a feather," said Dr. Raoul Platitude, director of the Central Language Institute for Collecting Historic Evidence. "Here at C.L.I.C.H.E.. the saying, ‘Rome wasn’t built in a day’ has always been one of our bedrocks. We’ll have to change it, of course. We’re considering ‘Saskatchewan wasn’t built in a day,’ but we’d welcome any thoughts your readers might have."

Weekly World News X

A little something I wrote for the paper in July 2005:

THE GREATEST BAR MITZVAH EVER TOLD!

© Weekly World News

Nazareth, Israel–The subject matter of the text inscribed on several pieces of ancient parchment found in a millennia-old stone box buried in a yard in Nazareth was, at first, dismissed as nothing special. It wasn’t until an alert translator realized that this seemingly ordinary Aramaic text concerned no ordinary man.

“I couldn’t believe it,” said the awe-struck Ari Zakai, the University of Nazareth translator who made the historic discovery. “I realized I was holding in my hands nothing less than a copy of an invitation to the Bar mitzvah of Jesus.”

The Bar Mitzvah is the tradition religious ceremony celebrating the coming of age of a Jewish male, usually held around the time of a young man’s 13th birthday.

“Jesus—or Yeshua, which was His actual proper name in Hebrew, with Jesus being its rough Greek transliteration—was born in Nazareth about 6 B.C.E.,” explains Rabbi Zalman Schmotkin-Fisher, an authority on religious history and Weekly World News religion consultant. “Though there is little known concerning His early years, we always assumed that, like most Jews, Yeshua would have been have had a Bar mitzvah. Here, at last, we have proof positive.”

“The Bar mitzvah would have taken place, according to the modern calendar, in the year 7 A.D., which would translate to the year 3771 on the Hebrew calendar,” Rabbi Schmotkin-Fisher further explained. “Sometime in the Hebrew months of Kislev or Tevet, unless I miss my guess.”

Yeshua, or Jesus, of Nazareth grew up to be worshiped the world over as the son of God, the Messiah on whom an entire religion was based.

The small stone box was found by homeowner Chiam Plotnik while excavating for a swimming pool in his back yard in Nazareth, the birthplace of Jesus.

Mr. Plotnik said, “Around here, ancient artifacts are about as common as rocks, so I didn’t give it a second thought. Who knew this one was such a find?”

Among the several pieces of preserved parchment was a hand-written invitation inviting the recipient to “join the proud parents Miriam and Yosef (the Hebrew names of Mary and Joseph) in celebrating the Bar mitzvah of Yeshua ben Nazareth (or, Jesus of Nazareth).” Refreshments, it noted, would be served and entertainment provided by Acimah and His Seven Lyres.

“A particularly fascinating find was what appears to be a list of gifts presented the Bar mitzvah boy,” said Rabbi Schmotkin-Fisher. “In addition to sums of shekels, as the coin of the realm was then known, Yeshua received numerous other traditional gifts, including several Roman Savings Bonds of varying sums, a Star of David on a gold chain, a pocket sundial, at least 7 writing quills, and a brand-new carpentry set.”

Father Joseph Mario Spumdilini, an expert in ancient Aramaic writings asked to evaluate this archaeological find for Weekly World News, was particularly excited by one document in particular. “I’m calling this one ‘Jesus’ Thank You Note,’” he told Weekly World News.

“Roughly translated, it reads, ‘Dear Aunt Muskah, Thank you very much for the great carpentry set. I am looking forward to using it to build something very soon. Dad is also very excited, saying he hopes that maybe now I will follow him into the family business. Of course, that’s been the plan all along. Thank you.’ And it’s signed ‘Yeshua.’

“The historic value of having a document written in Jesus’ own hand...well, it’s beyond priceless. As are several fragments that contain what we assume are quotes from His Bar mitzvah speech, including what appear to be early versions of His later teachings, including ‘Don’t do stuff to people you don’t want them doing to you,’ ‘Maybe if we, you know, didn’t hate our enemies they wouldn’t have to be our enemies,’ and ‘If you let someone keep hitting you, they’ll probably get tired of it and eventually go away.’”

Father Spumdilini notes that it will require decades of study to understand how this find will impact Christianity.

Weekly World News IX

A story I wrote for the paper in July 2005:

PRAISE THE LORD, GET VALUABLE POINTS!

© Weekly World News

VATICAN CITY – What do the Catholic Church and your local supermarket have in common?

To combat falling church attendance, the new papacy has taken a cue from American supermarkets and drug stores by issuing the new Indulgence-Points Card to all church-goers.

“The concept is very simple,” Cardinal John Joseph “Dwayne” Reed told the Weekly World News. “Every time one of the flock attends a church service, they swipe their Indulgence-Points card through the card readers on the collection plate and receive valuable points good towards getting into heaven.”

The idea was first put forth during a special conclave with the newly elected Pope to discuss falling church attendance around the world.

“The numbers were starting to get embarrassing,” a monsignor who wished to remain anonymous told us. “Attendance has been falling by double digits every year. The faithful were draining away from services faster than altar wine at a Dublin parish house. We were desperate to staunch the flow.”

“The pontiff was behind the idea right from the start,” said Bishop Doyle Dane, the man of the clothe in charge of the Indulgence-Points program. “He just that day had gotten $5 back on his purchases at the drugstore, so he knew the value of a good idea.”

“It’s shaping up to be a boffo promotion,” Bishop Dane continued. “With over one billion churchgoers in the world, we’ve so far distributed almost 220 million cards that have racked up over 82 trillion indulgence-points in the first two months alone.”

“Heaven will be filled with a host of value conscious believers,” said Father Joseph Mario Spumdilini, pastor of Our Lady of Perpetual Rationality, one of the churches used to test market the Indulgence-Points Card. He was surprised at how effective the program was. “We issued them to the congregation and practically everyone has been using them since.”

The Indulgence-Points Card is named for a practice from the Middle Ages whereby the wealthy would pay the Church to do good works in their names rather than actually repent for their sins. “Of course, you don’t have to be wealthy to use the Card,” Cardinal Reed is quick to point out. “All you have to do is show up and swipe your card. Anyone, rich or poor can do it.”

“We expect to add special features as we go along,” said Bishop Dane. “Like extra points for attending special masses, confirmations and baptisms. And for every Christmas mass a cardholder attends, we’ll be giving out a $5 gift certificate to Toys ‘R’ Fun.” The bishop winked and smiled. “Cross-promotion, my friend. Gotta give the public value for their efforts, y’know.”

Weekly World News VIII

Here's a Weekly World News story I wrote in September 2005. After his speech last night at the Republican Convention, the line about Joe Lieberman not being able to run for President again remains deeply meaningful:

“EL PRESIDENTE” BUSH Plans for W’s Retirement Years...as President of Mexico

© Weekly World News

Washington, D.C.—All the experts agree that it’s never too early to begin planning for your retirement. And with the end of his second term a little more than three years away, President George W. Bush is no exception.

Most ex-presidents spend their post-White House years writing their memoirs and books on politics and policy (or, in the case of Gerald R. Ford, playing golf), living out their years as respected elder statesmen or dying shortly after leaving office.

A few ex-presidents have remained active in politics and the law, including sixth president John Quincy Adams (the only other child of a president to also be elected to the highest office in the land) who served for 18 years in the U.S. House of Representatives after his single term in office. Likewise, 27th president William Howard Taft, was appointed a justice of the Supreme Court after his term.

Weekly World News has learned that President Bush intends to follow the path of the second group by remaining in the political forum.

Just not in the United States.

Instead, a confidential source in the Bush White House has revealed, advisers have put together a plan that will allow the current U.S. president to run for the office of president of the Republic of Mexico after he leaves office in January of 2009.

“It’s not going to be easy,” the Weekly World News source admits. “According to Article 82 of the Mexican constitution, a candidate must be a ‘Mexican citizen by birth, in the full enjoyment of his rights,’ so right there we run into a problem, seeing as how the president was born in New Haven, Connecticut.”

“We thought about getting Mexico to change its constitution,” reveals Boyd Brayne, a constitutional attorney working with the Bush for Mexico 2010 campaign. “But that would have taken too long and cost more money than even the corporate oil lobby was willing to shell out to make this happen. So, instead we hit on the idea of making Connecticut a part of Mexico, retroactive to 1946, the year he was born, which would automatically make the president a Mexican citizen.”

The Bush-Mexico committee has encountered a surprising lack of resistance to their radical plan. The Republican controlled Congress has vowed to push this plan through both Houses. “And,” adds Senator majority leader Bill Frist of Tennessee with a twinkle in his eye, “we’re only one more Republican nomination to the Supreme Court away from guaranteeing the annexation of Connecticut to Mexico is ‘constitutional.’”

“All things considered, it’s not that big a deal,” said House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-Illinois) . “I mean, it’s a tiny little state. Only Delaware and Rhode Island are smaller. And then we can finally make Puerto Rico a state. That way we won’t have the extra hassle of having to change all the flags to 49 stars. Plus, it prevents Joe Lieberman from ever running for president again.”

Mexico Senator Manual Trepa, who is spearheading the Bush effort south of the border, said in an interview aboard his new $1.3 luxury yacht, “We in Mexico would welcome Connecticut into the confederacy of Mexican states. I understand it ranks numero uno in personal wealth. That should come in handy.”

When asked about his plans for a run for the Mexican presidency, President Bush would only say, “No commentario.”

Reports that Karl Rove and Dick Cheney have begun taking Spanish lessons have yet to be confirmed.

Weekly World News VII

A piece I wrote in May, 2006:

CHARITY RAFFLE DRAWING ERUPTS IN VIOLENT BRAWL

© Weekly World News

LAS VEGAS, Nev. – A charity raffle at Las Vegas’s glamorous Greidisimo Hotel and Casino turned ugly when the time came to draw the winning ticket for the grand prize.

“The evening had been going so well,” said Ben Potzerbie, director of event planning for the National Dsylexia Foundation of America (A.F.D.N.). “We had several guest speakers, a nice dinner, and saw excerpts from the show Annie Get Your Nug. Then, disaster.”

“All the tickets were in a big box,” said a shaken Potzerbie. “I pulled out a ticket and announced the winning number, 56647. A woman up front yelled that was her number so I called her onto the stage to check her ticket and claim her prize.”

But before the woman could reach the stage, a man yelled that he held the winning ticket. Then a third ‘winner’ jumped up and that’s when the evening took a really nasty turn.

“The three started arguing, and before we knew it everyone was pushing and fighting,” said Potzerbie. “Hotel security was unable to break it up so they called the police.”

Though the fight resulted in nothing more than a few bloody noses, black eyes and scraped knuckles, it put a damper on the Dyslexia Foundation’s grand event.

“The worst thing is, it was all a misunderstanding,” said Mr. Potzerbie. “As it turned out, none of them had the winning ticket! Their numbers were 67456, 76645 and 45667. The actual winner, the editor of Dam magazine -- which is, in fact, about water barriers -- just sat there. He thought he was holding ticket number 66547.”

The group will try again next year.

Weekly World News V

An article written in May 2005:

RABBITS SUE TO KEEP THEIR FEET ON THE GROUND...AND OFF KEYCHAINS!

© Weekly World News
Garbage Pail Kids © The Topps Cpmpany, Inc.

They are a familiar sight in animal shelters and pet shops across the nation: rabbit amputees, their limbs sacrificed by the millions every year in the name of good luck.

"Bad luck for their poor little missing hindquarters," sneered Harvey P. Dowd, an attorney representing Help Outlaw Paw Pruning Sadists, an organization devoted to ending the barbaric human practice of cutting off rabbit’s feet and carrying them for good luck. "The foot of the Leporidae -- which is the Latin name for rabbits -- has been used as a good luck charm since before 600 B.C. These trinkets grew from ancient superstitions about fertility and pacifism. But there is nothing peaceful about this grisly practice."

In criminal papers filed in U.S. District Court, H.O.P.P.S. seeks an injunction against the ‘foot fetish peddlers,’ as they call them. Not only does the suit claim ‘cruel and unusual punishment,’ it accuses the defendants of trafficking in stolen goods. H.O.P.P.S. has also filed a separate class action civil suit seeking monetary compensation for the many millions of victims of the powerful rabbits foot industry.

"This is an abuse of the legal system," said Dutch D’Argent, spokesperson for plush animal and trinket-industry giant Fun Fur All. "Owning a rabbit’s foot is part of the rite-of-passage in America. It's like your first jackknife or BB gun -- which, frankly, is one reason a kid needs a good luck charm.

"I mean, we're talking about rabbits," D’Argent went on. "People slaughter billions of animals every year for food. Heck, we take the rabbit’s feet but at least we leave the animals alive!"

Alive and at the center of an expensive health care crisis.

"It might be more merciful if D'Argent and his fellow sadists did just kill them," Dowd said bitterly. "Instead, they leave behind wounded, wretched ruins with nothing to look forward to but more bad hare days."

Dexter Palomino and his wife, Satin, run a rabbit rescue farm in Fresno, California. It’s located in a quiet, rustic setting on Bunny Lake.

"Most of our guests are victims of the good luck charm industry," Dexter said. "Our farm is crawling with bunny amputees. Well, not crawling. Most of them get around on those little carts with wheels. Unfortunately, our financial resources are stretched to the limit. There’s a waiting list of rabbits to get in."

"That’s why we’re also suing for funding," said Mr. Dowd. "The bill should be footed, so to speak, by the people who crippled these poor creatures in the first place."

The rabbits foot industry claims not to be worried by the lawsuit. "These rabbits don’t have a leg to stand on, legally and otherwise," said Mr. D’Argent.

"We’ll see about that," Dowd told us. "We’ll also see something else -- whether a few hundred thousand rabbit’s feet can actually bring a heartless businessman any luck."

Weekly World News IV

Written in March 2007, it ain’t political but it’s one I’m rather fond of. But I wanna tell you!!

DIGGING FOR COMEDY GOLD

© AMI

SHECKYVILLE, N.Y. – Nestled in the foothills of the Catskill Mountains in upstate New York, Sheckyville is a quiet little farming community. It is a place where people work hard, neighbors watch out for one another, and everybody knows where to find a good laugh.

“In the legendary Joke Mines of the Catskill Mountains, that’s where!” said Wally Baluzza.

Baluzza is Chief Dig Supervisor for the Ritz Gravel Company, the shell corporation that has long hidden the true treasures they mine.

“See, this is literally where comedy comes from! We dig it from the ground, do you dig it, daddio? See what I mean? Jokes everywhere!”

The revelation of the Joke Mines was made by investigative comedians Tell & Railer on their hard-hitting cable TV program Horse Pucky.

“The Joke Mine was discovered by Catskill Mountain hotel and resort owner Milton Ritz in 1914,” said the tall, aggressive Sylvania Railer. “One day, Ritz was drilling a new well when he hit something that made him laugh. Not water, but comedy nuggets! Ritz had found a vein of pure comedy that lead right into the mountain on his property.”

Ritz’s newly acquired sense of humor quickly made him a popular host, attracting clients, and making his marginal resort a success.

“Other hoteliers came to the region to sop up the overflow from Ritz’s place,” Wally Baluzza said. “Swearing the newcomers to secrecy, Ritz started selling the product of his mine to them.”

With the Joke Mine now exposed, does the company fear any problems?

“Are you joking?” said Baluzza, ironically. “Every wanna-be comedian, writer, and office cooler wit’s going to flock here. Since we now own all these hotels and resorts in the area, renting out rooms at inflated rates is the one thing here that’s nothing to laugh at!”

Management, Corporate-Style

I am not a self-help book kind of guy. I don’t read them and I certainly never thought I’d want to write one. Someone as screwed up as me shouldn’t be giving anyone advice. But, after almost 20 years working for one corporation or another, I discovered a management principle that was just too good not to turn into a self-help book. I think the title says it all, but if not, here are a couple of excerpts to illustrate:

MÜNCHHAUSEN MANAGEMENT
How Bad Managers Make Themselves Look Good By Making You Look Bad

© 2008 Paul Kupperberg

Chapter 7/ The "Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better" Corollary

After I'd been on the job for about four years, an old friend of mine who had worked for the company for a while almost twenty years earlier came back to the fold.

The first thing I did on his first day was say hello.

The second thing I did on his first day was to tell him something that had taken me my first several months to put together. It was definitely something in the air, but not seeing it sooner and adapting my strategies to deal with it had hurt me in some small ways. My friend was coming in at a higher and more politically sensitive position than mine, so I thought he should have as much information to work with about the place as possible.

What I told him is what I call the "Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better" Corollary:

Everybody can do your job better than you.
Therefore:
Everybody's too busy doing your job better than you to do their own jobs.

This is prime Münchhausen behavior. What better way to prove your indispensability than to be surrounded by such a collection of lunkheads that you've got to do their jobs on top of your own? When shown a piece of a project—especially one outside the Münchhausen Manager's area of expertise—he will be quick to point out how you missed the boat, how you can make it better. This is usually an opinion formed in utter ignorance of the actual requirements of the project.

It doesn't matter.

They can do it better.

And then, of course, it's a total muck-up. And it's your fault. When the Münchhausen Manager made his suggestions—they were, after all, just suggestions—you didn't tell him that his ideas were outside the specs. You should have known better. You should have told him!

(Notwithstanding that to have actually done so would have lead to your having your head physically removed from your body and punted down the corridor like a soccer ball.)

Meanwhile, that design or approval or those specs that you've long been in desperate need of having approved are in the limbo of the Münchhausen Manager's in-box, awaiting his attention. And he will get to it. Soon, just as soon as he's finished straightening out Louise down in manufacturing...!

Like all the worst Münchhausen managerisms, the "Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better" Corollary is a bit of Trickle Down Management, quickly and gleefully adopted by the lowlies as their own path to promotion and power. Be all-knowing and all- letting- the- world- know- you're- all- knowing and you too can actually attain a position of power.

The good thing about following that strategy is that by the time you do actually attain a management position, everybody will already hate you.


Chapter 11/ The “Dollars for Bullshit” Quotient

A high-placed executive of a good sized company likes to quote a pet theory of his own devising:

No job is worth more than $20,000 a year.

For every dollar you're paid over and above that amount, you're required to take that much bullshit. For the baseline $20,000, you shouldn't have to live with much, if any, bullshit. For $30,000, you have to take $10,000 worth. For $40,000, $20,000 worth of bullshit, and so on. So, following this theory, the average worker bee at his company should be fairly stress free.

In reality, companies are chockablock with managers always on the look-out for the lowest paying drone on whom to pin the blame and to whom the door is shown.

Middle-managers manage middlely by brow-beating and intimidation. A $25,000 a year assistant will be warned there's zero tolerance for screw-ups while a superior walks away from costly or embarrassing mistakes with a slap on the wrist and a mild warning. The assets to properly do the job are denied and the drones are told to adapt...but they'd better not screw it up while they're struggling to do the impossible.

So, yes, a grand theory.

Just not one that applies to you.

It, like all the lofty executive utterances on the great responsibility of power, exists for one reason and one reason alone: to evoke pity for the utterer. The executive knows anyone he quotes the Bullshit Quotient knows that he makes more money than they do. And a hell of a lot more than $20,000. What he's saying is, under this theory, he's taking bullshit. A lot of bullshit. Probably six or seven figures a year worth of bullshit.

Can you conceive of how much bullshit that is?

The answer is, of course you can. You've just heard it.