Weekly World News XXII

Another ditty from the late, lamented Weekly World News, written in September 2005, back when there was a lot of right wing fundamentalist talk about how all theories, like evolution and gravity, were called "theories" because they were still unproven. When one has the forum, one must respond.

CONGRESS TO REPEAL THE LAW OF GRAVITY

© Weekly World News

Washington, D.C. – One of the most divisive issues in America today remains the debate over the validity of scientific theory. From evolution versus intelligent design to global warming versus benign climatic change, political differences seem to have spilled over into the laboratory.

But the latest and most vocal debate seems to be over the concept of what has been, until recently, one of the bedrocks of science: gravity.

“This nonsense has been going on long enough,” declared the 700 Club’s Pat Robertson. “It’s about time someone planted their feet firmly on the ground and spoke out against this unproven, so-called ‘scientific theory.’”

Doctor Sam “Right” Winger, a professor of Religious Sciences at Bob Jones University, agrees. “Has anyone ever actually seen gravity? Of course not, because it doesn’t exist. Why, anybody who’s ever read the Bible knows that the Earth and everything on it was created in seven days, and nowhere is gravity mentioned. No, the reason we don’t float off the face of the planet is because the good Lord gave us this world and wants us to stay put.”

“Thanks to Dr. Winger’s clear and concise analysis of the situation, we feel confident this is the right thing to do,” said House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-Illinois) in an announcement with his Senate colleague, majority leader Bill Frist (R-Tennessee). “That’s why we’ve put forth joint resolution HR-666, repealing the so-called Law of Gravity.”

“Isaac Newton, who wasn’t even an American,” said an outraged Senator Frist, “perpetrated this hoax on the world based on having an apple fall on his head. It never occurred to this heretic, who also gave the world calculus—which, by the way, we’re going after next—that this was actually the Lord’s way of trying to smite him for his wrong-headed thoughts instead of proof of some asinine theory.”

White House spokesman Scott McClellan said, “The president has long believed that gravity should be a faith-based initiative instead of something mandated by law.”

“I’ve always believed gravity is the work of the good Lord. Back when I was in the Air National Guard,” the president quipped to reporters on his way to a two-week vacation at his Crawford, Texas ranch, “I used to pray He would keep me in the air every time I had to fly. Which wasn’t often.”

Responding to claims by the scientific community that gravity is a proven force of nature, Dr. Winger said, “It’s all right there in the Bible, in Genesis, verse 7: ‘And God made the firmament and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament; and it was so.’ Heaven up, firmament down, God’s will. I don’t know what else you need, but if it makes you feel any better, even NASA agrees with us.”

“Of course! It’s obvious,” agreed Todd T. Toddman, director of the National Anti-Scientific Association (NASA).

Representative Tom DeLay (R-Texas) said, “Look, I understand some people might not be comfortable with the religious aspect of this matter, so for them—though they’re going to Hell—let’s just say, if an American doesn't want to keep his feet on the ground, there shouldn't be a law that forces him to!”