Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Weekly World News XXIX

Another thrilling episode of Miss Adventure, the Gayest American Hero, from the pages of the dearly departed Weekly World News...


Giggling Island-Part 1

© Weekly World News


Cast adrift somewhere in the South Pacific with his boyhood chum Bing Hopewell, Kevin Andrews, otherwise known as Miss Adventure, the Gayest American Hero, was attempting to raise Bing’s spirits—Bing’s annoying preference for women ruled out raising anything else—when his old friend interrupted with that excited shout.

“I was about to sit right back and tell a tale of our fateful trip,” America’s hero said. “But I cast my eyes toward the object of Bing’s ejaculation and saw a strangely pink island with twin peaks and thick underbrush,” Andrews reported with a full-body shudder to Weekly World News. “Well, considering we had been paddling in circles on the wing of Bing’s biplane for several days after living through the crash and escaping Mah Jong, the God of the Sleeping Volcano on the island of Bali Lo, I was happy to see land, I just didn’t want to land where I’d see things I’d rather not so I steered us for the island’s midsection.”

Landing on the pink sandy beach of the island’s midsection, Andrews and Hopewell found they had set ground on the shore of an uncharted desert isle. “Uncharted only because we were sure the people who had been aboard the tiny ship that had crashed on that same beach before us probably never had a chance to get it on the charts!”

“When we saw the name of the shipwreck laying there on its side Bing’s mouth dropped wide open, but I was too stunned to take advantage of it,” Kevin said, bravely mopping up a few stray tears. “It was the S.S. Mame, owned and captained by my friend, Biff ‘Skipper’ Himmelstein. The Mame’s disappearance was a legend, the five passengers had set sail that day for a three hour tour.” Andrews sighed and sadly shook his head. “A three hour tour. Poor dears. Then the weather started getting rough, the tiny ship was tossed and it was assumed, especially with that crew aboard, that the ship went down.”

Their disappearance had made the lost five some of the most famous men for three entire news cycles. “I knew then all. Intimately,” Andrew confessed. “I would go so far as to say we were a tight group. I was supposed to be on that boat when they set sail that day, but a mix-up in a pedicure appointment had me left behind when they all took off on their fateful trip.

“Along with Skipper and was the Greek millionaire and his constant companion, Thrurston Howl and Raimondo, famed Hollywood director Jorge Olivier ‘JO’ Pal, Professor Peter Ahn and drag queen Maryann.

And the deepest loss to Andrews, “My little buddy, first mate Shecky ‘Giggling’ Ireland. We met on a summer cruise—I believe it was in a bar in Iowa—and when we finally parted it was as nothing but buddies. In remembrance of our time together I swore if I was ever in the area, I would find out what happened to him. Well, here I was.”

Bing set about building us a shelter and setting up a bonfire while Andrews took a look aboard the Mame. “The boat had been stripped of everything useful, from bunks and cabinets to essentials, from bedding and clothing to moisturizer and magazines. My heart leapt. That could only mean they had survived the shipwreck and might even still be alive.”

Andrews went to share the news with Bing. “I executed a flawless grand jeté from the wrecked hull of the Mame and just as my toes touched the sand, I heard Bing calling to me but I couldn’t really hear what he was saying over the sound of the Mame exploding.”

“I was thrown to the ground by the blast,” Andrews recalled. “And as I rolled to my feet, I looked around for Bing. I found him inland, racing from out of the trees where he had gone to hunt for fresh fruit which, really, is my job, shouting in warning. Which was understandable, seeing as how he was being chased by a spear-wielding Skipper Himmelstein astride a small dinosaur like he was riding a horse!”

Miss Adventure realized this was no ordinary deserted island. “Skipper hated animals,” Andrews said. “But even more, Skipper hated clichés and this whole ‘Land of the Lost’/dinosaur island schtick was so last century! There was something that needed getting to the bottom of and I was just the one to plum those depths!”

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